Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to MONDAY APRIL 4, 2022

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank is installing new
Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

Male Procedure:
Drive up to the cash machine.
Put down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Put window up.
Drive off.

Female Procedure:
Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
Tell person on mobile ‘phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card.
Re-insert card the right way.
Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
Enter PIN.
Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt
Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
Re-check makeup.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Redial person on cell phone.
Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
Release Parking Brake.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a GREAT MONDAY people,
stay safe, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman! 😁

q u o t e s o f t h e d a y

“A balloon released by a girl in Texas was found this week over 900
miles away in Ohio. Or, more likely, Ohio also has red balloons.” -Seth Meyers

“Chipotle is considering opening a new restaurant that specializes in hamburgers.
After what their burritos did, Chipotle now wants to ruin a new set of buns.” -Jimmy Fallon😁

“A controversial 1,200-year-old document has been found that shows evidence
that Jesus was married. I don’t believe it. What married guy gets to
spend all his free time with his 12 buddies?” -Conan O’Brien

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
A priest had the weight of the world on his shoulders and was showing the effects. The church
sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take a week off. So the priest left his religious
paraphernalia behind him and went to a neighboring city. He got himself a nice room and
went to the hotel bar to relax with a couple stiff drinks.
A waitress in a short skirt and low-cut uniform came over and asked, “What’ll it be, Father?”
The priest felt to see if he was still wearing his collar by mistake, but he had none on.
“How did you know I’m a priest?” he asked.
The waitress said, “I’m Sister Mary Margaret. We go to the same psychiatrist!” 😳

Fridays’ Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “
“Well… it’s somebody who doesn’t believe there’s a divine being dispensing justice to mankind.”
“I’m a pagan, too.”

Answer: ‘Breaker’ Morant!
In this scene, Australian soldier Lt. Harry ‘Breaker’ Morant (Edward Woodward) has refused an offer to speak to a padre just before he is to be executed for killing Boer POWs and says he is a pagan. When fellow Australian prisoner Lt. Peter Handcock (Bryan Brown) wants to know what a pagan is, Morant explains with line one. Handcock then says line two to the execution detail guard. Morant says he wants the Bible verse Matthew 10:36 as an epigraph, and the minister looks it up: “And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.” This movie tells the true story of three Australian soldiers in the Boer War (1899-1902) who are put on trial for shooting Boer prisoners. Though they acted under orders, the General Staff, who hopes to distance themselves from the irregular practices of the war, is using them as scapegoats. The trial does not progress as smoothly as expected by the General Staff, as the defense puts up an exceptionally strong fight in the courtroom.

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“Like I was saying, I thought that the number you proposed was inappropriate, so I increased it. Do they teach beauty queens to apologize? Because you suck at it!”
[long pause] “Uh, Ed… Uh… thank you.”

Friday’s Quizzler is….​
A Swaffergy is a word that can be broken up into two parts: a different word and a letter of the English Alphabet.

The word defense is a common Swaffergy. It can be broken up into the letter D , and the word Fence . As a Swaffergy, it would be written like this:

D + A structure serving as an enclosure, a barrier, or a boundary, usually made of posts or stakes joined together by boards, wire, or rails.

Which will give you D-Fence , or defense .

Can you find the following Swaffergies? They all use a different letter of the alphabet, excluding the letters W, and H.

  1. A + Maize
  2. B + an open receptacle with a flat bottom and a low rim for holding, carrying, or exhibiting articles
  3. C + A male descendant
  4. D + A clamping device
  5. E + Large body of water
  6. F + A fortified place or position stationed with troops
  7. G + The joint between the thigh and the lower leg
  8. I + The solid ground of the earth
  9. J + To go or travel on foot
  10. K + the starting place for each hole on a golf course
  11. L + A bent, curved, or arched object
  12. M + Outer covering of a tree
  13. N + A small dent or nick
  14. O + A bent, curved, or arched object
  15. P + To tug at; jerk or tweak
  16. Q + the starting place for each hole on a golf course
  17. R + Past participle of “go”
  18. S + To utter aloud
  19. T + Polite address for a man
  20. U + A base or cowardly person
  21. V + A cape or headland
  22. X + Past tense of “peck”
  23. Y + A sharp, high-pitched sound
  24. Z + To propel a boat with oars

ANSWER: 1. Acorn (A-Corn)

  1. Betray (B-Tray)
  2. Season (C-Son)
  3. Device (D-Vise)
  4. Easy (E-Sea)
  5. Effort (F-Fort)
  6. Genie (G-Knee)
  7. Island (I-Land)
  8. Jaywalk (J-Walk)
  9. Katie (K-Tee)
  10. Elbow (L-Bow)
  11. Embark (M-Bark)
  12. Ending (N-Ding)
  13. Oboe (O-Bow)
  14. People (P-Pull)
  15. Cutie (Q-Tee)
  16. Argon (R-Gone)
  17. Essay (S-Say)
  18. Teaser (T-Sir)
  19. Euchre (U-Cur)
  20. Venus (V-Ness)
  21. Expect (X-Pecked)
  22. Wiping (Y-Ping)
  23. Zero (Z-Row)

Monday’s Quizzler is…….
What do these six words have in common?

BACKSPLASH
BIRTHPLACE
MATCHSTICK
HEARTTHROB
THOUSANDTHS
ANGSTS

BONUS: What’s so special about the word ANGSTS?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! 😎 Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com., https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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https://elisabethluxe.com., http://www.themuscleministry.com.

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