Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday, September 4, 2017.            
Monday’s Pondering….
Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners?
Would you care if a man you’re planning to kill, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?
What clinic did Betty Ford go to?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light. What happens when you turn on the headlights?
How come people offer a penny for your thoughts, when everyone wants to put their two cents in?
Doesn’t reckless and reckful mean the same thing?
I don’t get it, I saw a bumper sticker that said “Honk if you love peace and quiet”
If the Super bowl cut out the commercials, would people still watch?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Why do people try to get a front row parking spot at health lodges, when they go there to exercise?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA – I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
Go ahead and take risks卝ust be sure that everything will turnout OK.
Strange! No one ever says, “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Think “Honk” if you’re telepathic.
Why there’s no butter in buttermilk, no egg in eggplant, no grapes in a grapefruit, neither peas or nuts in peanuts, and no ham in a hamburger?
If a firefighter fights fires, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If pro and con are opposites, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How can your house can simultaneously burn up and burn down?
How can you fill out a form by filling it in, or why you add up a column of figures by adding them down?
How come your nose runs and your feet smell.
Why is it that a slim chance and a fat chance can mean the same thing, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites.
Why is it called a hot water heater厀ho heats hot water?
Who called it daylight savings time when not a single second of daylight is saved?
Why do we call it a freeway when it costs over a million dollars a mile?
Why is it called rush hour when nobody’s going anywhere?
Why is it that a non-stop flight eventually stops?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES…
“This weekend a couple from Connecticut will have the longest marriage ever recorded in the U.S. They said the secret to their long-lasting marriage is love, compromise, and the fact that neither one of them has been able to hear a word the other one has said in more than 30 years.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“A study found that many types of head lice have mutated and now have become resistant to over-the-counter treatments. The problem has scientists scratching their heads.” -Conan O’Brien
“The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it’s a little frustrating when you try to text, ‘Burglar! Please hurry!,’ and it auto-corrects to, ‘Burger, please. Hungry.'” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, “What rotten luck I’ve had today! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away, but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and when 36 came up she just fainted!”😎

  

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘You’ve reached the winter of our discontent.’
ANSWER: Reality Bites! Troy says this when he answers the phone. 
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘What about it pretzel man, what’s your story?’
Friday’s Quizzler is……….   
Which one of the following does not belong with the others?
Binoculars, eyeglasses, goggles, handlebars, jeans, pliers, scissors, shoes, tweezers
ANSWER: The word “shoes” is the only “pair” that actually has 2 separate pieces.
Monday’s Quizzler is……….    

I am a solitary word, 5 letters long.
Behead me, and I am still the same.
Behead me again, and I am still the same.
What word am I?😎
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

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