WELCOME to Monday June 25, 2018.
Steven Wright, Master of the Absurd!
Whenever everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
My father was a small claims court jester.
What’s the youngest you can die of old age?
I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it.”
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
“It was 90 degrees in New York City today. Yeah, you know it’s bad when you get that dirty gust of wind from the subway and you go, ‘Aaahh!'” -Jimmy Fallon
“An Ohio man was recently arrested after attacking his roommate with a rolling pin. And I find it amazing that two male roommates actually owned a rolling pin.” -Seth Meyers
“Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It’s perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun.” -Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR HAPPY LIVING: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You’ll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and it does, use the duct tape.
If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Daily thought: Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for much but they bring
a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. 😁😎
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘Boogada Boogada Boogada, HAH HAH HAH!’
ANSWER: St. Elmo’s Fire! Common chant used by the whole group of friends
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
‘Take me to bed or lose me forever.’
Friday’s Quizzer is…….
You have no skill at magic tricks, yet you make a bet with your friend for $25. You tell him to pick a card, take a look at it, and put it back in the deck. You then shuffle the deck as many times as your friend wishes. You will then hand back your friend’s chosen card. Even though you possess no magic skill whatsoever, and you have no idea what your friend picked, you can still win this bet. How?
Answer: You hand back the deck. You have just handed back the chosen card.
Monday’s Quizzer is……
Take the list of words below and arrange them into 3 sentences that all have something in common. Each word is only used once for each time it appears in the list. Punctuation is not an issue in this teaser in the initial placement of words. Only names are capitalized to start with.
DAD, LET, LETS, LEW, MARGE, MISSES, NO, NORAH, ORDERED, ROSES, SEE, SHARON’S, SIMON, TELEGRAM, TELL, WE’LL,
What are the sentences and what do they have in common?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/