WELCOME to Tuesday July 17, 2018.
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except
for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up.
Have this deceased squirrel.”
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go
out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they
just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when
you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on
hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in
a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind
the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?
All the king’s HORSES and all the king’s men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they
couldn’t put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect
the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front
of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too?
Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we
would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”
Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT
happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are
done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still
can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean?
These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats
and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say,
“And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!” I think not.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
“The Federal Communications Commission, now that they did away with net neutrality, they had another terrible idea. The FCC is considering a plan that would require U.S. citizens to pay $225 to make a complaint. So if you’re mad about how high your cable bill is, soon you can pay the government $225 to complain about it. Boy, they really have their fingers on our pulse, don’t they?” -Jimmy Kimmel
“A new study found that a growing number of parents regret the name they gave their baby. They actually have a name for those parents: ‘celebrities.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“In Michigan, a man was too drunk to drive, so he had his 9-year-old daughter drive their van for him. Yeah. As he was being arrested, he told the girl, ‘I’m going to need a lawyer. Go get your little brother.'” -Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command…
Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?
Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.
Caller (after a pause): Well, that’s not working for me.
Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?
Caller: Yes, I sure do.
Agent: OK, now press Control-A.
Caller: I am, but nothing happens.
Agent: The text isn’t highlighted?
Caller: No, there’s no change at all.
Agent: That’s odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A.
Tell me exactly what’s happening.
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh? 😱😐😎
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “What’s your favorite scary movie?”
ANSWER: Scream! When Drew Barrymore is on the phone with the killer, this is one of his infamous questions.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? The Dean is delivering the grade results to House Delta, looks up and sees the inebriated Flounder and advises him “0.2… Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son” in which 1978 film?
Monday’s Quizzer is……. Below are 3 pairs of words. Find the words that fit in the middle of each pair of words to create two new words, one front-ended and one back-ended.
Example: EVER – ______ – HORN
Answer: EVER – GREEN – HORN
1. LENGTH – _______ – CRACK
2. WITH – _______ – OVER
3. MAKE – _______ – LESS
Answer: 1. LENGTH – WISE – CRACK 2. WITH – HOLD – OVER 3. MAKE – SHIFT – LESS
Tuesday’s Quizzer is……
A farmer challenges an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to fence off the largest amount of area using the least amount of fence.
The engineer made his fence in a circle and said it was the most efficient.
The physicist made a long line and said that the length was infinite. Then he said that fencing half of the Earth was the best.
The mathematician laughed at the others and with his design, beat the others. What did he do?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/