Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Tuesday September 18, 2018.

BRILLIANT PEOPLE…

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious injuries. Asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say “Your daughter is pregnant.” The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window!

Aren’t you paying attention to me?” “Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking too it! HAVE A GREAT TUESDAY PEOPLE! And whatever you do,don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES…

“A 94-year-old man from Indiana just became the oldest person to get a six degree black belt in taekwondo. While nobody has the heart to tell him the wooden board he chopped through was just a graham cracker.” -Jimmy Fallon

“It was reported this week that scientists from the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence or SETI have detected a signal from a distant star, and they think it could be proof of alien life. Scientists say this could be the sign of a highly advanced alien civilization. While the aliens say, ‘We attack at dawn.'” -James Corden

“A man in New York yesterday bought a $10 million winning lottery ticket while at a convenience store to buy treats for his dog. Which came as a major disappointment to his dog. ‘You didn’t get the treats?'” -Seth Meyers

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night.” 😐

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Nice move! Always leaving the water running. Now we know each and every house that you’ve hit.” “You know, we’ve been looking for you guys for a long time.” “Yeah? Well remember, we’re the wet bandits. The wet bandits. W-E…” “Shut up!”

ANSWER: Home Alone! In this scene (at the end of the movie) Chicago police have arrested burglars Harry (Joe Pesci) and Marv (Daniel Stern), and are about to put them in the back seat of a squad car. Officer 1 says line one, Officer 2 says line two, Marv says line three, and Harry, who thought leaving the water running at houses they burglarized was a dumb idea, angrily kicks Marv and shouts line four. “Home Alone” tells the story of eight-year-old Kevin McAllister (Macaulay Culkin), whose large family accidentally leaves him behind when it rushes to the airport to go to France for their Christmas vacation (the evening before they left, Kevin had been sent to the attic for misbehaving). Kevin prepares to spend Christmas alone, but becomes aware of two house burglars casing his neighborhood.

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Watch what I can do. Come on. It’s alright. Look. The water’s stiff.”

Monday’s Quizzer is…….

Can you figure out what words are represented by the following?

1. Iron + M + Iodine + Nickel + Neon
2. M + Arsenic + Copper + Lithium + Neon
3. Iron + M + Aluminum + E
4. Tungsten + Oxygen + M + A + Nitrogen
5. Germanium + Nitrogen + Thallium + E + M + A + Nitrogen
6. Lanthanum + Dysprosium

Answer: Iron=Fe
Iodine=I
Nickel=Ni
Neon=Ne
Arsenic=As
Copper=Cu
Lithium=Li
Aluminum=Al
Tungsten=W
Oxygen=O
Nitrogen=N
Germanium=Ge
Thallium=Tl
Lanthanum=La
Dysprosium=Dy

1. Fe+M+I+Ni+Ne=feminine
2. M+As+Cu+Li+Ne=masculine
3. Fe+M+Al+E=female
4. W+O+M+A+N=woman
5. Ge+N+Tl+E+M+A+N=gentleman
6. La+Dy=lady

All of the words describe females or males.

Tuesday’s Quizzer is……

Complete the words below using each letter of the alphabet once only:
li_ _t
_o_an
pu_ _ le
_-r_ _
e_ _l
_ _eer
_cie_ _e
g_ _ let
_u_ge
_ac_et
pu_zl_
_rai_

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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