Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers, and Teases

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WELCOME to Monday December 3, 2018. 

Cards You Won’t Find In The Shops….

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I
can’t help but wonder:…………. What was I thinking?”

Congratulations on your wedding day!…………. Too bad
no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you………… have
such an ugly baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to
love……… After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life………..
I never believed in Hell until I met you.”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am……. that
you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve
given me. Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!………. I never
knew what evil was before this!”

“Before you go,……… I would like you to take this
knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married………… but not to you.”

“You look great for your age…….Almost Lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for
me……… Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you
kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best friend……. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew
toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time……….. What
do you say we call it quits?”

“I’m so miserable without you……………… It’s almost
like you’re here.”

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy……………
Did you ever find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you
heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday——— So we’re having you put to sleep.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! HAVE A GREAT MONDAY PEOPLE!

Whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES…
“A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.” -Seth Meyers 😱

“A man in New Orleans could be facing a life sentence for stealing $31 worth of candy from a drug store. I feel for this guy. That has got to be a tough conversation once you’re in prison. ‘Yeah, I’m in for armed robbery and arson, what about you?’

‘Oh, you know, the new peanut butter Twix.'” -James Corden

“I saw that one hundred years ago this month, Albert Einstein presented his theory of General Relativity, which explains how gravity works. And it also marks the last time someone actually meant it when they said, ‘Way to go, Einstein.'” -Jimmy Fallon

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to

my knees and ask my 4-year-old son if he wanted to box. I
wanted him to learn how to protect himself. We would spar
around for a few minutes before supper.
One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The
shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on
several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular
pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home
and he replied, “yes”.
The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our
son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, “do you
want a box?”
Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose. After
grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes
explaining why this happened. Luckilly, our salesman was

also the father of a 4-year-old.

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? 

 “I want to say one word to you. Just one word.”
“Yes, sir.” 
ANSWER: The Graduate

In the events leading up to this scene, Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) has just graduated from college and his proud parents are hosting a cocktail party to show him off to their friends. However, Benjamin really isn’t sure what he wants to do with his life. In this scene at the party, one of the guests (Walter Brooke) says line one to Benjamin and he replies with line two with a very serious look. The one word the guest says (“Plastics”) is one of the famous lines from this movie. In the 1968 Academy Awards “The Graduate” won one Oscar (Best Director for Mike Nichols) and was nominated for six others, including Best Picture (but lost to “In the Heat of the Night”). Dustin Hoffman, Anne Bancroft and Katharine Ross were nominated for awards but didn’t win.

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???

“You’re a real live outlaw, aren’t ya?”
“Well, I may be an outlaw darlin’, but you’re the one stealing my heart.”

Friday’s Quizzer is…….

Homer had suffered a bizarre accident that affected his eyesight. The doctor said it would be temporary, but for the next 4 weeks, he had to adjust how he did some things. The accident had affected his focal length. He was only able to focus on objects that were 6 or more feet away from him, anything closer than 6 feet was just a blur.

Homer was used to shaving up close in front of his bathroom mirror. Now after the accident, how close could Homer get to the mirror to see his face clearly enough to shave?

Answer:  3 feet
Your focal length in a mirror is your distance away from the mirror, plus the distance of the object away from the mirror. When you look at an object in a mirror, you are seeing a virtual image the exact distance it is away from the mirror. So, if you are standing 3 feet away from a mirror, and focus on your face, you are actually focusing at 6 feet.

To try this out, put a piece of tape on a mirror, about eye level. Standing in front of the mirror, focus your eyes on the tape, now your face is out of focus. Focus now on your face, and the tape is out of focus.

Monday’s Quizzer is……

Inside each set of the following words, there are a pair of smaller words. By putting & between them, lo & behold, you’ll make a familiar phrase. For example, “Thighbone/Swallowtail” conceals “High & Low.”

1. Skyrocketing/Trolleyman
2. Thermometer/Apoplexy
3. Delaware/Bordering
4. Surprised/Trashiness
5. Throughout/Stumblebum

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. www.GodLovesPraise.com. CHECK OUT MY BOOK online at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FF669PT/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1531337765&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Banquet+Servers+Hand+Guide#

Amazon.com: The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store

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