Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers, and Teases

WELCOME to Wednesday December 19, 2018.

SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL “HIT PARADE”

* I’ll be Sewing You.

* Red Cells in the Sunset.

* It’s Spleen a Long, Long Time.

* It Had to Be Flu.

* On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma.

* Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney.

* The Staphs and Streps Forever.

* Old Man’s Liver.

* I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Brace.

* The Girl From Emphysema.

* MRI Blue?

* My Melancolicky Baby.

* From Here to Maternity.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! HAVE A WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY PEOPLE!

Whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES…

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I

have since been visited by her sister . . and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good

ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy;

if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then

she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,

can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~ Alex Levine

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you

nothing. It was here first. ~ Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol

Money can’t buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. ~Henny Youngman

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see

the head of human resources. “Since I’ve been with the firm

for so long,” he said, “I think I deserve at least a letter

of recommendation.”

The human resources director agreed and said he’d have the

letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found

the letter on his desk. It read, “Jonathan Peters worked for

our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very

satisfied.” 😱😁

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???

“You do that, I’m gonna tell him you’re seeing somebody else while he’s on the stage.”

“I have two words for you: green card.”

Answer: The Birdcage
In this scene, nightclub owner Armand Goldman (Robin Williams) has just warned his gay Guatemalan house boy Agador Spartacus (Hank Azaria) with the line, “Now take that wig off or I’ll tell Albert you’re wearing it”, referring to the female impersonator Albert Goldman (Nathan Lane), who is the star of his show. Agador says line one and Armand responds with line two. Azaria’s portrayal of Agador Spartacus is wonderful. He is perhaps best known to American audiences for the many voices he provides for the television show “The Simpsons.” This movie tells the hilarious story of gay parents of a straight young man who agree to act as straight when meeting the ultra-conservative, moralistic parents of the young man’s fiancée. There are so many good lines/scenes in this movie-several had me laughing so hard I was gasping for breath!

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???

Jackson Two-Bears: “Kid, Kid, what a time to fall off the wagon. Look at your eyes.”

Kid Sheleen: “What’s wrong with my eyes?”

Jackson Two-Bears: “Well they’re red, bloodshot.”

Kid Sheleen: “You ought to see ’em from my side.”

Tuesday’s Quizzer is…….

Take the given words, and by moving a single letter from one word to the other, make a pair of synonyms,

or near synonyms. For example, given: Boast – Hip, move the ‘s’ from ‘Boast’ to ‘Hip’ creating two synonyms: Boat – Ship.

1. Burn – Bead
2. Rid – Tripe
3. Grove – Rout
4. Charm – Rush
5. Cream – Sweep

Answer: 1. Bun – Bread
2. Ride – Trip
3. Groove – Rut
4. Harm – Crush
5. Scream – Weep

Wednesday’s Quizzer is…….

Emperor Akbar once ruled over India. He was a wise and intelligent ruler, and he had in his court the Nine Gems, his nine advisors, who were each known for a particular skill. One of these Gems was Birbal, known for his wit and wisdom. The story below is one of the examples of his wit. Do you have it in you to find out the answer?

A farmer and his neighbour once went to Emperor Akbar’s court with a complaint.
“Your Majesty, I bought a well from him,” said the farmer pointing to his neighbour, “and now he wants me to pay for the water.”
“That’s right, your Majesty,” said the neighbour. “I sold him the well but not the water!”
The Emperor asked Birbal to settle the dispute.

How did Birbal solve the dispute?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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