You know it’s going to be a bad day when…
* your twin sister forgets your birthday.
* you wake up face down on the pavement.
* you put your bra on backwards and it fitsbetter.
* you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
* you see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office.
* your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
* you turn on the TV news and they’re displaying emergency
routes out of your city.
* you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and
then you realize that you don’t have a water bed.
* your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
* you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR List server say-
ing that you’re no longer funny.
* your doctortells you, “Well, I have bad news and good news…”
* you open the paper and find your picture under a caption
that reads: “WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!”
“A new study says that children are suffering bad health effects from eating too much pizza. The study was explained in a pie chart which children immediately tried to eat.” -Conan O’Brien
“United Airlines just announced a new plan where you will have to pay to store a carry-on in the overhead bin. What’s next? ‘In case of a water landing, your seat can be used as a flotation device for only $129. Major credit cards accepted.'” -James Corden
As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I
directed officers late one night to strategic positions
around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.
Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have
an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my
At just the right moment, I whispered to him, “Okay, throw
a light on the roof.”
The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.😳
Kid Sheleen: “You ought to see ’em from my side.”
Answer: Cat Ballou!
Emperor Akbar once ruled over India. He was a wise and intelligent ruler, and he had in his court the Nine Gems, his nine advisors, who were each known for a particular skill. One of these Gems was Birbal, known for his wit and wisdom. The story below is one of the examples of his wit. Do you have it in you to find out the answer?
A farmer and his neighbour once went to Emperor Akbar’s court with a complaint.
“Your Majesty, I bought a well from him,” said the farmer pointing to his neighbour, “and now he wants me to pay for the water.”
“That’s right, your Majesty,” said the neighbour. “I sold him the well but not the water!”
The Emperor asked Birbal to settle the dispute.
How did Birbal solve the dispute?
If you throw me from the window,
I will leave a grieving wife.
Bring me back, but in the door, and
You’ll see someone giving life!
What am I?