1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. It’s a loaded question with no good answers. PLEASE don’t make us lie about it!
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. However we will GPS it on occasion.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have way too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping. OK! Since my wife won’t be reading or checking her emails for a couple of days, I have intention of being on da couch at all, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! HAVE A WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY PEOPLE! Whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
Laughter is a form of internal jogging. It moves your internal organs around.
It enhances respiration. It is an igniter of great expectations.” — Norman Cousins
Laughter is a sense of proportion and a power of seeing yourself from the outside. — Zero Mostel
Laughter is God’s hand on the shoulder of a troubled world. — Bettenell Huntznicker
Laughter is the corrective force which prevents us from becoming cranks. — Henri Bergson
Laughter is the foundation of reconciliation. — St. Francis de Sales
Laughter is the loaded latency given us by nature as part of our native equipment to break up the stalemates of our lives and urge us on to deeper and more complex forms of knowing. — Jean Houston
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. — Victor Borge
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face. — Victor Hugo
Laughter lets me relax. It’s the equivalent of taking a deep breath,
letting it out and saying, ‘This, too, will pass’. — Odette Pollar
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at
engineering university. I worked repairing construction
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had
some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts
had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this,
one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if
I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip
on the bolt so I could then remove it.
“So things get larger when they get hot, do they?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said, “that’s why days are longer in summer and
shorter in winter.”
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. “You know, I
always wondered about that,” he said.😳😎
Answer: Planet Terror!
“She ate from her own plate. She ate with a spoon. Herself. And she folded her napkin.”
“Folded her napkin?”
You will be given two definitions, one for a word starting with “re”, and one for the
Example: vehicle wheel / cease employment
Answer: tire / retire
1. newspaper employee / hotel employee
2. one who belongs / bring past event to mind
3. unit of money / not long ago
4. money for the poor / kingdoms
5. income / event location
6. couple / fix
7. arrived at / felt long-term pain
8. at ease / cause sharp pain
2. member / remember
3. cent / recent
4. alms / realms
5. revenue / venue
6. pair / repair
7. reached / ached
8. resting / sting
Emperor Akbar once ruled over India. He was a wise and intelligent ruler; and he had in his court the Nine Gems, his nine advisors, who were each known for a particular skill. One of these Gems was Birbal, known for his wit and wisdom. The story below is one of the examples of his wit. Do you have it in you to find the answer?
One day, Emperor Akbar posed a question to Birbal. He asked him what Birbal would choose if he offered either justice or a gold coin.
“The gold coin,” said Birbal without hesitation.
On hearing this, Akbar was taken aback. “You would prefer a gold coin to justice?” he asked, not believing his own ears.
“Yes,” said Birbal.
The other courtiers were amazed by Birbal’s display of idiocy. They were full of glee that Birbal had finally managed himself to do what these courtiers had not been able to do for a long time – discredit Birbal in the emperor’s eyes!
“I would have been disappointed if this was the choice made even by my lowliest of servants,” continued the emperor. “But coming from you it’s not only disappointing, but shocking and sad. I did not know you were so debased!”
How did Birbal justify his answer to the enraged and hurt Emperor?