1. Never squat with yer spurs on.
2. Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew,
your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
over and put it back in your pocket.
4. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so
good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full
of bull, keep your mouth shut.
5. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do
is stop diggin’.
6. Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
7. Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out
of good whiskey.
8. Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes
from bad judgment.
9. Always drink upstream from the herd.
10. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a
person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
12. When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to
have it thrown around by somebody else.
13. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n
puttin’ it back in.
14. Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat.
It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s
critical to know what it was.
15. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Spring unlocks the flowers to paint the laughing soil. — Reginald Heber
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. — Voltaire
The beauty of the world has two edges; one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder. — Virginia Woolf
The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up. Mark Twain
The comic and the tragic lie inseparably close, like light and shadow. — Socrates
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. — Kahlil Gibran
The greatest prayer you could ever pray is to laugh every day. — Ramtha
The happiness and unhappiness of the rational, social animal depends not on what he feels but on what he does; just as his virtue and vice consist not in feeling but in doing. — Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. — Mark Twain
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. — E E Cummings
The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying that such a laugh was money in a man’s pocket, because it cut down the doctor’s bills like everything. — “Tom Sawyer” by Mark Twain
The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed. — Bennett Cerf
The person who has a sense of humor is not just more relaxed in the face of a potentially stressful situation, but is more flexible in his approach. — John Morreall
The point is seeing that THIS — the immediate, everyday and present experience — is IT, the entire and ultimate point for the existence of a universe. I believe that if this state of consciousness could become more universal, the pretentious nonsense which passes for the seriousbusiness of the world would dissolve in laughter… — Alan Watts
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my
sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should
pass through his system in a day or two.”
“How will I be sure?” she pressed.
“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the
refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.” 😳
“Is that what I’m supposed to tell your mother when she gets another folded American flag?” “You can tell her that when you found me, I was with the only brothers I had left. And that there was no way I was deserting them. I think she’d understand that.”
Answer: Saving Private Ryan!
In this scene Captain John Miller (Tom Hanks) and his squad of soldiers have finally located Private James Ryan (Matt Damon) and have informed him that all three of his brothers have just been killed in action. Their orders are to find Private Ryan and bring him back so he can be sent home away from the fighting. However, he chooses instead to stay with his company, trying to hold a bridge behind enemy lines. When Captain Miller asks him line one, Private Ryan replies with line two.
“Hancock, I’ve got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven’t arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea?”
“Couldn’t hurt, sir.”
A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?
4) fondle feathers & Amsterdam
2) witch daughter & ditch water
3) dairy foods & fairy dudes
4) touch down & Dutch town
1) a lock’s companion and a bright-colored tropical bird & a vegetable and a vegetable
2) a chilly tome & a courageous chef
3) a mournful song & a spoiled cold dish of vegetables served with dressing
4) an excavation of an underground ore deposit in Geneva & the winner of a beauty pageant sponsored by pig farmers