Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Thursday March 21, 2019

How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale…..

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner… as well
as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast,
because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost over-
night.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In
this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the
earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because
they are always five pounds off…to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve
weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at
least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the
scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding
onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other
foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this
takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two
pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES…

Police in South Carolina charged a substitute teacher last week for allegedly being drunk

while in class. Students realized she was drunk after she kept referring to lunch period as ‘Miller time.'” -Seth Meyers

“College students are out of town for spring break. This is the time of year students take a

well-deserved break from partying and drinking at school to go party and drink on a beach.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Everyone’s OK, but over the weekend off the coast of Florida, a Carnival Cruise ship almost hit two jet skiers. Today, the captain of the ship apologized and said, ‘I’ll get them next time.'” -Conan O’Brien

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
A supposedly true story out of San Francisco (but who knows):
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Animated GIF

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Open the pod bay doors, HAL.” “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Answer: 2001: A Space Odyssey!
In this scene space ship Discovery is on its way to Jupiter to learn about the origins of a back monolith, discovered on Earth’s moon. Astronaut Dr. Dave Bowman (Keir Dullea) has just requested that the HAL-9000 computer running things on the spaceship let him back aboard after a space walk by speaking the first line. However HAL is attempting to take over the spacecraft and refuses to open the air lock. It speaks the second line (voice by Douglas Rain). “2001: A Space Odyssey” won the 1969 Academy Award for Best Visual Effects and was nominated for three other awards, including Best Writing, Story and Screenplay – Written Directly for the Screen (by director Stanley Kubrick and author Arthur C. Clarke).

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “It’s funny, you know. It’s a good story, it’s funny, you’re a funny guy.”
“What do you mean, you mean the way I talk?”

Wednesday’s Quizzler is….

All of Pauline’s favorite male relatives live in Europe. They are her father, her uncle, her first cousin, her brother, and her husband. In no particular order, their names are Daniel, Edgar, Wilfred, Luther, and Walter. Although they all live in Europe, no two men live in the same city. The cities in which they live are London, Paris, Rome, Madrid, and Berlin. From the clues given, try to determine not only the city in which each man lives and his relationship to Pauline, but his occupation as well, be it diplomat, correspondent, student, artist or professor. Assume her husband is only related to the other men through marriage to her.

1. The man in Berlin is the father of the correspondent and the diplomat is the father of the man in Paris.
2. Luther is the son of the man in Rome and Walter is the artist’s son.
3. Daniel is the father of the man in Madrid and Wilfred is the father of the student.
4. Her cousin does not live in Paris.

Answer:

Daniel-Uncle-Berlin-Artist
Edgar-Husband-London-Professor
Wilfred-Father-Rome-Diplomat
Luther-Brother-Paris-Student
Walter-Cousin-Madrid-Correspondent

Thursday’s Quizzler is…….

Which one of the following words does not belong with the other six?

Issue
Mishap
Parachute
Ocean
Semiconscious
Anxious
Mansion

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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