Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Monday April 1, 2019

New Parking Rules (Not to be taken seriously unless….)

Rule #1 – When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the

middle of the road, don’t signal, and orient your car

diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 – Always park on the lines, taking up as many

spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 – In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot

and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent

one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 – As you pull into a spot, if you see that the

space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver

signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 – Always park close enough to the adjacent car

so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to

squeeze into his/her car.

Rule #6 – When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent

vehicle with your door really hard.

Rule #7 – When driving through the parking lot, ignore

the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to

another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #8 – Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping

center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the

garbage, too, including that Wendy’s or McDonald’s bag

sitting in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule #9 – When a vehicle from the opposite direction is

signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your

car so that you are in his way and let the car behind

you take it.

Rule #10 – If you don’t see a speed limit sign posted in

the malls parking lot, there isn’t any!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES…

“Amazon Prime has made it possible to have beer and wine delivered to your home by Alexa. All you have to do is say the phrase, ‘Alexa, Daddy’s sad.'” -Conan O’Brien😎

“In international news, police in Italy have arrested 10 people for stealing more than $250,000 in fine wine and gourmet cheese. Yes, their motive is they were hosting a book club. When the police caught them, they said the thieves were armed and extremely constipated.” -James Corden

“A new study suggests that not all psychopaths are bad. ‘Thank you,’ said people who pour the milk in before the cereal.” -Seth Meyers

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children,

makes $55,555.55 a year, trusts the number 5.

One day a friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth. 😐

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Eat her!”

“Oh please, yuck!” –
“Aren’t we squeamish? You ate Sir Egglemore, hypocrite!” –
“I merely chewed in self-defense, but I never swallowed.” –

Answer: Dragonheart!
A former dragon slayer and the last living dragon team up to make a living. Eventually they realize that they must turn their efforts to the more important goal of ridding the land of the evil king, but this conversation occurs just before that. In this scene Kara, a peasant girl, has just been offered in sacrifice to the dragon. Bowen wants her out of the way, and the logical solution to him is to have the dragon eat her…however Draco has other ideas.

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “She is already burnt flesh Adso. Bernardo Gui has spoken – she is a witch.” “But that’s not true, and you know it.” – “I know. I also know that anyone who disputes the verdict of an Inquisitor is guilty of heresy.” –

Friday’s Quizzler is…. Happy Hauntings costume store threw their annual Halloween party, complete with food, dancing, and a little friendly competition. The company arranged 5 competitions (bobbing for apples, ring toss, scavenger hunt, pumpkin carving, and a scariest costume contest), with 5 different prizes (movie premier tickets, theater tickets, 4 passes to a local amusement park, and 2 gift certificates to a local restaurant). Each competition was won by a different employee, wearing a different costume purchased from the Happy Hauntings store. Can you determine the full name of each employee, what costume they wore, what contest they won, and which prize they received?

1) Belinda did not bob for apples, but she did win a gift certificate, which she shared with the man who won the tickets to the theater.

2) The 5 employees were: Amy, Mr. Brown, the one who dressed as a bat, the one who won the theater tickets, and the woman who won the pumpkin carving contest (who did not win movie tickets).

3) Robert, John, and Mary have the same last initial.

4) The women’s costumes were: the one worn by Ms. Smith, the one worn by the woman who won the ring toss, and the skeleton.

5) During dinner, John sat at the same table as Frankenstein, the skeleton, and the woman who won the apple bobbing contest (who was not dressed as Dracula). The bat sat 2 tables over.

6) The man who won scariest costume received a $50 gift certificate, which he later used to take Ms. Black to dinner.

7) Later that week, John Beals went to dinner with the woman dressed as a bat, after they went to the theater, using the prizes they won at the party.

Answer: Amy Smith, ghost, bobbing for apples, movie tickets
Robert Brown, Frankenstein, scariest costume, $50 gift certificate
Belinda Martinez, bat, ring toss, $20 gift certificate
John Beals, Dracula, scavenger hunt, theater tickets
Mary Black, skeleton, pumpkin carving, amusement park passes

Monday’s Quizzler is……. Here are some well-known expressions rewritten into “Cliff-ese”. For those of you who don’t know what that means, he was a very wordy person on the TV show “Cheers” and never used a small word where a larger one would work. Try to figure out the phrases in simpler terms.

1. To place a primitive agricultural conveyance in a position anterior to the animal Equus caballus.

2. It requires a number of people greater than one to perform a terpsichorean series of low dips and twisting steps on the toes.

3. To accumulate an excess of temperature beneath a circular, tight-fitting clothing component.

4. Emanating from a culinary vessel into a site of pyrogenic activity.

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Share this:

Like this:

Related

Leave a Reply Cancel reply