Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

passion-baby-girl-happy-tuesday-memes

WELCOME to Tuesday April 2, 2019

Here’s the story…….. 

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit
their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found
in high school essays in order to have them published and
sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the
country. Recent winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its
two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling
Free.

3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he
was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a
dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disin-
tegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude
shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM
machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene
had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation
in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead
of 7:30.

11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.😐

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like two
freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.
traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
picket fences that resembled Steve Harvey’s teeth.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two humming-
birds who had also never met.

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and
she was the East River.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a happy Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

 

DAILY QUOTES…

“Researchers say much of Florida could be underwater by the end of the century.

On the bright side, they say it could happen much sooner.” -Conan O’Brien

“It’s the first day of spring, so congratulations to the people of Nebraska, who survived
winter. Now all you’ve got to do is get through severe thunderstorm and tornado season.” -James Corden
“The U.S. Surgeon General released a statement this week that said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone’s surprise, he added, ‘Even if you’re just going out to have a smoke. Just stand up for once.'” -Jimmy Fallon
 
 
 
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….  
Tired of super-hectic Christmas mornings, I was pleased to
find a recipe called “Christmas Morning Wifesaver Breakfast.”

I prepared the breakfast the night before so that it could
be put in the oven while we opened our gifts with our four
small children.

It was delicious.

Next year I followed the “tradition” and prepared the same
breakfast. After everyone was seated I put the casserole on
the table. My five-year-old exclaimed disgustedly, “This
again!”😳

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “She is already burnt flesh Adso. Bernardo Gui has spoken – she is a witch.” “But that’s not true, and you know it.” “I know. I also know that anyone who disputes the verdict of an Inquisitor is guilty of heresy.” – 


Answer:  The Name of the Rose!
Accompanied by his apprentice, William of Baskerville is asked to lend his considerable talents to solving a series of bizarre murders at a monastery, before the Holy Inquisitor arrives to apply his own brand of investigation. This exchange takes place between William and his monk, after the Inquisitor has charged a young local girl with witchcraft. A smitten Adso is asking his master to intervene on her behalf.


Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “There’s a price on your head.”
“How much?”
“One hundred gold pieces.”
“Is that all? I shall have to annoy the good Sheriff more. Soon it will be a thousand.”
“For a thousand I would turn you in myself.”

 

Monday’s Quizzler is…. Here are some well-known expressions rewritten into “Cliff-ese”. For those of you who don’t know what that means, he was a very wordy person on the TV show “Cheers” and never used a small word where a larger one would work. Try to figure out the phrases in simpler terms.

1. To place a primitive agricultural conveyance in a position anterior to the animal Equus caballus.

2. It requires a number of people greater than one to perform a terpsichorean series of low dips and twisting steps on the toes.

3. To accumulate an excess of temperature beneath a circular, tight-fitting clothing component.

4. Emanating from a culinary vessel into a site of pyrogenic activity.

 

 

Answer: 1. Putting the cart before the horse.
2. It takes two to tango.
3. Get hot under the collar.
4. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. 

 
 

 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but, um, the safe has been robbed. The diamonds are gone.”  “What!?” The police chief shouted. “You mean the safe that you’ve been guarding carefully?”  “That’s the one.”

“But we checked every single space in the building in which a human being could possibly hide, it was totally empty. And we had the entire building completely surrounded, and had every possible entrance monitored. So surely we know who did it right? Please tell me we finally caught this guy!”

“Not exactly. By which I mean, no. But we do have it narrowed down to three suspects this time. We tracked the entrance and exit of every person throughout the day, mostly customers of the bank on the first floor, not realizing we had closed it down for the day. Only three people were in the building at the time the safe was robbed. All of them entered separately on foot.”

“Wait, how do you know when the safe was robbed?” the chief asked.

“Well, you know that one car we told you about that was already sitting empty in the parking garage under the building the night before? The one that mysteriously wasn’t registered to anyone? Well, all of a sudden it came screaming out of the garage. We probably should have had it towed the night before, huh? Anyway, we all took off after it, but when we finally caught up to it, it was on the side of the road with no one in it. But the felt bag that held the diamonds was under one of the seats.”

“It didn’t still have the diamonds in it by any chance, did it?”

“Um, no chief. We all just stood there for a minute, when it suddenly occurred to us that every single one of us left our posts to chase the mystery car, so we all raced back to the building only to find that it was empty. So we’re not sure which, if any, of the three suspects was still there when the car took off.”

“Wow. All that training has really paid off.”

“Thanks, chief. So anyway, it’s not entirely clear who was involved. But we do know that there are only those three possible suspects. We tracked each one of them down, but none of them had the diamonds on them. They’re each in an interrogation room now – Chris Barns, Evan Garrison, and Jimmy Jones. All three of them have at least minor criminal records, and all three are known to be pretty good with a safe.”

“Great. So it could be all of them, or any one of them. What else do we know about them?” the chief asked.

“Well, Chris swore he was going straight several years ago, and he hasn’t been suspected of anything since. Although, he has sworn he was going straight several times throughout his criminal career. Evan is known to be a pretty smooth thief, but it’s also well known that he’s superstitious and refuses to do any job unless his mentor Chris is involved. And then there’s Jimmy. He’s the best safe-cracker in the business, an absolute legend. People say that, being blind, he has super hearing, so he can hear every movement in the mechanisms of a safe with absolute clarity and precision. He definitely would have been able to get to the diamonds the fastest. But again, either of the other two would also have been able to crack that safe. I don’t even know where to start!”

The chief thought for a moment and said, “Well if everything you’ve said is true, then I know one of these guys who is definitely guilty. Let’s question him and see if we can get him to spill whether either of the other two were involved.”

Who is guilty, and how does the chief know?

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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Amazon.com: The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store. http://www.amazon.com

 

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