WELCOME to Wednesday April 3, 2019
TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO HAS HAD ENOUGH ! ! !
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down.
If you won’t/don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls,
don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys
fear getting married is that married women always cut
their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect
an answer you don’t want to hear.
Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing
of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to
think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle
hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious
hints don’t work. Just say it!
No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark
anniversaries, birthdays and other events you want us to
remember on the calendar. That increases the chance we’ll
remember by 50%.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We’re going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to
do something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act
like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just
not worth the hassle.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“Tragic news today — Herb Peterson passed away. He was the
– Lewis Thomas
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, “Let’s all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position.”😳😱😁
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “There’s a price on your head.” “How much?”
“Is that all? I shall have to annoy the good Sheriff more. Soon it will be a thousand.”
“For a thousand I would turn you in myself.”
Answer: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves!
When Robin returns from the Crusades, he finds his father dead and his lands claimed by the Sheriff of Nottingham. He rallies the oppressed peasants together, and begins a resistance against the Sheriff’s greed. This exchange takes place between Robin and Maid Marian, shortly after he has been named an outlaw.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “In any place where they fight, a man who knows how to drill men can always be a king. We will go to those parts, and say to any king we find, ‘D’you want to vanquish your foes?’ And we will show him how to drill men, for we know that better than anything else. Then we will subvert the king, and seize his throne, and establish a dynasty.”
Tuesday’s Quizzler is….
“What!?” The police chief shouted. “You mean the safe that you’ve been guarding carefully?”
“That’s the one.”
“But we checked every single space in the building in which a human being could possibly hide, it was totally empty. And we had the entire building completely surrounded, and had every possible entrance monitored. So surely we know who did it right? Please tell me we finally caught this guy!”
“Not exactly. By which I mean, no. But we do have it narrowed down to three suspects this time. We tracked the entrance and exit of every person throughout the day, mostly customers of the bank on the first floor, not realizing we had closed it down for the day. Only three people were in the building at the time the safe was robbed. All of them entered separately on foot.”
“Wait, how do you know when the safe was robbed?” the chief asked.
“Well, you know that one car we told you about that was already sitting empty in the parking garage under the building the night before? The one that mysteriously wasn’t registered to anyone? Well, all of a sudden it came screaming out of the garage. We probably should have had it towed the night before, huh? Anyway, we all took off after it, but when we finally caught up to it, it was on the side of the road with no one in it. But the felt bag that held the diamonds was under one of the seats.”
“It didn’t still have the diamonds in it by any chance, did it?”
“Um, no chief. We all just stood there for a minute, when it suddenly occurred to us that every single one of us left our posts to chase the mystery car, so we all raced back to the building only to find that it was empty. So we’re not sure which, if any, of the three suspects was still there when the car took off.”
“Wow. All that training has really paid off.”
“Thanks, chief. So anyway, it’s not entirely clear who was involved. But we do know that there are only those three possible suspects. We tracked each one of them down, but none of them had the diamonds on them. They’re each in an interrogation room now – Chris Barns, Evan Garrison, and Jimmy Jones. All three of them have at least minor criminal records, and all three are known to be pretty good with a safe.”
“Great. So it could be all of them, or any one of them. What else do we know about them?” the chief asked.
“Well, Chris swore he was going straight several years ago, and he hasn’t been suspected of anything since. Although, he has sworn he was going straight several times throughout his criminal career. Evan is known to be a pretty smooth thief, but it’s also well known that he’s superstitious and refuses to do any job unless his mentor Chris is involved. And then there’s Jimmy. He’s the best safe-cracker in the business, an absolute legend. People say that, being blind, he has super hearing, so he can hear every movement in the mechanisms of a safe with absolute clarity and precision. He definitely would have been able to get to the diamonds the fastest. But again, either of the other two would also have been able to crack that safe. I don’t even know where to start!”
The chief thought for a moment and said, “Well if everything you’ve said is true, then I know one of these guys who is definitely guilty. Let’s question him and see if we can get him to spill whether either of the other two were involved.”
Who is guilty, and how does the chief know?
Answer: Chris is guilty.
At least one of the three of them did it. If it was Evan, then Chris is guilty too, since Evan won’t work without Chris. If it was Jimmy, then he had to be working with someone else, because he can’t drive, being blind. If he was working with Chris, then Chris is guilty, if he was working with Evan, then Chris must have been involved too since Evan won’t work without him, so all three would be guilty. If neither Evan nor Jimmy were involved, then Chris would be the only one who could’ve done it. So no matter what, Chris is guilty.
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……. A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?
1) overweight dam builder & symptom of a sick flying mammal
2) bottom of the ocean & an insect-bitten dog has this
3) a cooking utensil & a nosy admirer
4) the person in charge of clocks and watches & the result of exposing silent actors to the sun
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
RECOMMENDED WEBSITE LINKS:
Amazon.com: The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store. http://www.amazon.com