Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday April 8, 2019

 

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, tons.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette!”)

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

 

DAILY QUOTES…

“A new study reports that older women are doing more and more binge drinking.

I asked my mom if that was true and she said, ‘I love you, man.'” -Conan O’Brien

“A 16-year-old boy in Bosnia broke a world record this week by smashing 111 concrete
blocks with his head in 34 seconds. Get an Xbox! You don’t have to do that. When asked
how it felt to break the world record, the boy said, ‘Lampshade tricycle is my favorite flavor of pizza truck.'” -James Corden
“Arby’s is facing multiple lawsuits currently, after a data breach exposed the credit card
information of over 350,000 customers. The data breach could reveal potentially embarrassing information, like the fact that they ate at Arby’s.” -Seth Meyers


 
 
 
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.
“Aye, it’s going to be grand,” said Jim. “I’ve got everything organized already, the flowers,
the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”
Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.
“Heavens, I’ve even got a new kilt to be married in,” continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.
“A kilt, that’s grand! You’ll look smart in that,” exclaimed Finlay, “and what’s the tartan?”
“Och,” uttered Jim, “I imagine she’ll be in white.” 😱

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Watch what I can do. Come on. It’s alright. Look. The water’s stiff.”

Answer: Bambi!
The animated film “Bambi” was produced in 1942 by Walt Disney. It was directed by David Hand and written by Felix Salten (the novel), Larry Morey (the story adaptation) and Perce Pearce (the story direction). It is a wonderful story of the adventures of a fawn named Bambi, and his friends Thumper, Flower, Friend Owl and Faline. The film shows exquisite animation through the journey of Bambi as he grows up, falls in love and becomes a strong buck. There are heartbreaking events and heartwarming scenes throughout the movie.

Thumper says this wonderful quote to Bambi, as they discover the frozen pond. Thumper pounds his foot on the ice and wiggles his little nose as he coaxes Bambi to step foot on the ice. Bambi slides and wobbles. His unsteady legs go every which way. Eventually, Thumper gets Bambi back on his feet and pushes him along the ice. This is when Bambi see Faline, the immediate love of his life.

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Six feet three and a half inches. Now let’s stick to the facts.”
 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is…. Some anagrams are almost too good to be true. The letters in the capitalised words or phrases can be rearranged in delightful ways to fill the gaps!

e.g. Is my lovely _____ really a WOMAN HITLER?
Answer: mother-in-law

1. The _____ Church can be BEST IN PRAYER.

2. The school bully gave his victim NINE THUMPS as a _____.

3. Someone with BAD CREDIT can still manage to pay with a _____.

4. If you missed it last time, keep waiting, for _____ SHALL YET COME!

5. Perhaps because _____ could be a NICE SILKY WOMAN, a president fell for her!

 

Answer: 1. Presbyterian
2. Punishment
3. Debit Card
4. Halley’s Comet
5. Monica Lewinsky

 

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is…….  Two nights ago at a dinner party, Mr. Mentum was killed by one of his guests. Detective Dens was put on the case and took statements. But the good detective is getting a tooth pulled today so you, a rookie officer, are called in to take on his case. From his notes you glean the following information about people’s whereabouts and potential murder weapons:

Names: Fawn, Jake, Kyle, Lance, Sara
Rooms: bedroom, conservatory, dining room, observatory, sitting room
Weapons: candlestick, gun, knife, poison, rope

Either Lance was in the dining room, or the man with the knife was in the sitting room.
Either Jake had the rope, or Lance was in the observatory.
Either Kyle was in the conservatory, or Jake was in the bedroom.
The five suspects are Sara, the person in the bedroom, the person in the dining room, the person with the rope, and the person with the knife.
The woman with the poison was not in the dining room.
The rope was in the sitting room, and the gun was in the bedroom.

After some intense scrutinizing and a couple cups of coffee, you take your solution of each person’s location and weapon of choice to the police. Since the body was found in the observatory, they know just who to bring in for extra questioning.

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

RECOMMENDED WEBSITE LINKS:

http://www.slampi.org, http://www.hopeBUILD.org, http://www.GodLovesPraise.com, https://elisabethluxe.com, http://www.themuscleministry.com,

CHECK OUT MY BOOK online at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FF669PT/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1531337765&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Banquet+Servers+Hand+Guide#,

Amazon.com: The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store. http://www.amazon.com

 

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