Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

monday-again-coffee-girl
WELCOME to Monday May 13, 2019

 

“A Woman’s Dictionary”

* Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

* Bar-be-que (bar*bee*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner”.

* Blonde Jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

* Clothes Dryer (cloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

* Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M’s.

* Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

* Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

* Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend a half hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

* Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

* Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space—if he goes in, he isn’t coming out any time soon.

* Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and  romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

* Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off  if you try to remove it.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people & whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

 

 

DAILY QUOTES...

“People ask for criticism, but they only want praise.”
– W. Somerset Maugham
  

When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably
something his wife can beat him at.
                       
A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages. His
first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn’t.
                      
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he
would behave, she said, “Why do I always have to pay you to
be good; why can’t you be good for nothing like your father?”
 
“The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something
we do not understand.” – Frank Herbert

“Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse.”
– Miguel de Cervantes
                          
I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent
Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing
on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. 
                          
“I don’t have any kids. Well, at least none that I know about.
I’d like to have kids one day, though. I want to be called 
Mommy by somebody other than Spanish guys in the street.”
–Carol Leifer  😁😎 

 

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….

A husband asks his wife, “If I should die first would you
marry again?”
“I would be heart-broken, of course,” was her reply, “but
I think eventually I would remarry.”
“But you wouldn’t bring him here to our house?”
“Why not? I’ve worked and slaved to make this house a home.
There is no reason to abandon it.”
“But you wouldn’t sleep in our bed?”
“Well, I wouldn’t run out and buy a new bed right away.”
“Surely, you wouldn’t let him use my golf clubs?”
“Of course not! He’s lefthanded!” 😱

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Yes – it wasn’t logical.”  “You were a TOMATO. A tomato doesn’t have logic! A tomato can’t move!” 

Answer:    Tootsie!
In this scene out-of-work actor Michael Dorsey (Dustin Hoffman) is complaining to his agent George Fields (played by director Sydney Pollack) with the first line, that in a commercial, featuring him dressed up as a tomato, he was asked to do something that wasn’t logical. The agent explodes with the second. The movie title “Tootsie” was suggested by Dustin Hoffman. It was his mother’s nickname for him when he was a child. In the 1983 Academy Awards, Dustin Hoffman, Teri Garr, director Sydney Pollack, the screenplay writing, the title song, and the movie were all nominated for awards, but only Jessica Lange won an Oscar (for Best Actress in a Supporting Role).


Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I love you.”
“Snap out of it!”

 

Friday’s Quizzler is….

For each clue below, think of a common expression which mentions two body parts.
Some phrases refer to two different body parts (mix), others use the same body part twice (match).
Example: The law of retaliation. Answer: An eye for an eye.

1. To be in agreement
2. A couple strolling
3. Suddenly in love
4. Intimate discussion
5. Very expensive
6. Done at a ballroom
7. Poor, nothing extra

Bonus: The title of this children’s action song mentions four different body parts.

 
Answer: 

1. See eye to eye
2. Walk hand in hand (or arm in arm)
3. Fall head over heels (in love)
4. Have a heart to heart
5. Cost an arm and a leg
6. Dance cheek to cheek
7. Living hand to mouth

Bonus: “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes”

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is…….

The housewives of Clematis Lane are a very disparate group. Each housewife was born under a different sign of the Chinese zodiac, prefers a different brand of household cleaner, went on a second honeymoon to a different European capital last year, and has a family member with a strange medical problem related to a different eponymous body part. Can you determine the name, zodiac sign, cleaner, honeymoon destination and afflicted family member’s body part for each housewife?

Housewives: Alma, Blythe, Helen, Leslie, Roberta
Zodiac Years: Dragon, Horse, Ox, Pig, Rooster
Cleaners: Ajax, Bon Ami, Comet, Lysol, Vanish
Honeymoon Cities: Amsterdam, Brussels, London, Oslo, Paris
Body Parts: Achilles’ Tendon, Adam’s Apple, Bundle of His, Fallopian Tubes, Islets of Langerhans

1. The five housewives are: Roberta, the one born in the Year of the Dragon, the one who prefers to use Bon Ami, the one who travelled to Amsterdam and the one whose daughter ruptured an Achilles Tendon after being kicked in the ankle by a soccer mom just before the championship game.

2. Neither Blythe (who hasn’t been to London) nor the housewife born in the Year of the Horse (who doesn’t use Vanish) is the one with a brother whose pacemaker, installed to correct a defect with his Bundle of His, somehow triggers her automatic Lysol shower cleaner.

3. The housewife who went to Brussels has a son with hyperactive Islets of Langerhans, requiring him to constantly eat candy or risk lapsing into a diabetic coma.

4. Neither Leslie nor the housewife who uses Comet cleanser is the woman who was born in the Year of the Rooster and whose husband, ironically, can’t crow about his exploits after suffering a crushed Adam’s Apple while participating in a joust at the County Fair.

5. Helen (who wasn’t born in the Year of the Pig) went to Paris for her second honeymoon.

6. Neither Leslie nor the housewife born in the Year of the Ox has the brother with a defective Bundle of His or the daughter with the ruptured Achilles Tendon.

7. The housewife born in the Year of the Dragon doesn’t use Lysol or Ajax.

8. The housewife born in the Year of the Horse doesn’t use Comet.

9. The housewife born in the Year of the Ox isn’t the woman with a twin sister who had her Fallopian tubes removed after an ectopic pregnancy and now wants her sister to act as a surrogate.

10. Alma has never been to Oslo.
 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

RECOMMENDED WEBSITE LINKS:

http://www.slampi.org, http://www.hopeBUILD.org, http://www.GodLovesPraise.com, https://elisabethluxe.com, http://www.themuscleministry.com.

 

CHECK OUT MY BOOK online at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FF669PT/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1531337765&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Banquet+Servers+Hand+Guide#, Amazon.com: The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store. http://www.amazon.com

 

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