Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Tuesday May 14, 2019

FAMOUS LAST WORDS
* I’ll get a world record for this..
* It’s fireproof.
* He’s probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* It’s probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I’ve seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It’s strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn’t taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I’ve done this before.
* Well, we’ve made it this far.
* That’s odd.
* You wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don’t be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a happy Tuesday people & whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES...

“According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell
their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you
tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will
tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent
of the men aren’t listening anyway.” – Jay Leno

“I have just two superstitions. One, don’t call someone a
bad name if they have a loaded pistol. Two, don’t call your
girl friend Tina if her name is Vivian.”
–Basketball player George Underwood

“As if we don’t have enough problems. Fifteen different pre-
scription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to
God, you need a doctor’s prescription to turn on the faucet.”
-David Letterman

Today was Star Wars Day, because the day was May Fourth,

as in ‘May the fourth be with you.” And now, it’s technically

May Fifth, Cinco de Mayo, as in ‘May the

fifth margarita be in you.'” -James Corden

“Scientists have developed a new kind of robot that is able to

shoot a gun. In fact, earlier today, I was carjacked

by my Roomba.” -Conan O’Brien

“A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they

burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook

a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it

SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.” -Seth Meyers 😁

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, “How come you aren’t married?”
John: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”
George: “So what are you looking for?”
John: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper, she’s got to know

how to handle finances, have a forgiving personality — and money, she’s got to have

money, and if she has her own house it wouldn’t hurt either.”
George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!”
John: “Oh, it’s okay if she’s crazy.” 😳😐

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I love you.”
“Snap out of it!”

Answer:Moonstruck!
In this scene baker Ronny Cammareri (Nicolas Cage) declares his love for Loretta Castorini (Cher) with the first line. However, she is engaged at the time to Ronny’s brother Johnny (Danny Aiello). She slaps him and says the second line. “Moonstruck” was nominated for Best Picture in the 1988 Academy Awards but lost out to “The Last Emperor.” Cher won an Oscar for Best Actress in a Leading Role for her portrayal of Loretta Castorini and Olympia Dukakis won one for Best Actress in a Supporting Role for her portrayal of Loretta’s mother Rose. Vincent Gardenia was nominated for Best Actor in a Supporting Role for his role as Loretta’s father Cosmo, but lost to Sean Connery in “The Untouchables.”

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “All right. Open your eyes.” “I’m flying, Jack!”

Monday’s Quizzler is….

The housewives of Clematis Lane are a very disparate group. Each housewife was born under a different sign of the Chinese zodiac, prefers a different brand of household cleaner, went on a second honeymoon to a different European capital last year, and has a family member with a strange medical problem related to a different eponymous body part. Can you determine the name, zodiac sign, cleaner, honeymoon destination and afflicted family member’s body part for each housewife?

Housewives: Alma, Blythe, Helen, Leslie, Roberta
Zodiac Years: Dragon, Horse, Ox, Pig, Rooster
Cleaners: Ajax, Bon Ami, Comet, Lysol, Vanish
Honeymoon Cities: Amsterdam, Brussels, London, Oslo, Paris
Body Parts: Achilles’ Tendon, Adam’s Apple, Bundle of His, Fallopian Tubes, Islets of Langerhans

1. The five housewives are: Roberta, the one born in the Year of the Dragon, the one who prefers to use Bon Ami, the one who travelled to Amsterdam and the one whose daughter ruptured an Achilles Tendon after being kicked in the ankle by a soccer mom just before the championship game.

2. Neither Blythe (who hasn’t been to London) nor the housewife born in the Year of the Horse (who doesn’t use Vanish) is the one with a brother whose pacemaker, installed to correct a defect with his Bundle of His, somehow triggers her automatic Lysol shower cleaner.

3. The housewife who went to Brussels has a son with hyperactive Islets of Langerhans, requiring him to constantly eat candy or risk lapsing into a diabetic coma.

4. Neither Leslie nor the housewife who uses Comet cleanser is the woman who was born in the Year of the Rooster and whose husband, ironically, can’t crow about his exploits after suffering a crushed Adam’s Apple while participating in a joust at the County Fair.

5. Helen (who wasn’t born in the Year of the Pig) went to Paris for her second honeymoon.

6. Neither Leslie nor the housewife born in the Year of the Ox has the brother with a defective Bundle of His or the daughter with the ruptured Achilles Tendon.

7. The housewife born in the Year of the Dragon doesn’t use Lysol or Ajax.

8. The housewife born in the Year of the Horse doesn’t use Comet.

9. The housewife born in the Year of the Ox isn’t the woman with a twin sister who had her Fallopian tubes removed after an ectopic pregnancy and now wants her sister to act as a surrogate.

10. Alma has never been to Oslo.

Answer: Leslie, Year of the Dragon, Vanish, London, Fallopian Tubes
Roberta, Year of the Ox, Comet, Brussels, Islets of Langerhans
Alma, Year of the Pig, Lysol, Amsterdam, Bundle of His
Helen, Year of the Horse, Ajax, Paris, Achilles Tendon
Blythe, Year of the Rooster, Bon Ami, Oslo, Adam’s Apple

Tuesday’s Quizzler is…….

You are given a pool of ten 3-letter words. Your job is to use all of the words in the pool to create five pairs of words such that each pair can be anagrammed into a 6-letter word. Example: nod + rug = ground.

Pool: bee, hip, met, pry, raw, red, rum, sod, sun, toe

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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