Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Thursday June 13, 2019

Comedian Steven Wright:

1. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just

be walking down the street, and… ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…

2. After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

3. All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic

hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store…

with a pricing gun…She said, ‘Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking

down everything in the store.’

4. I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him…’Come here,

Stay! Come here, Stay!’ He went insane. Now he just ignores me.😁

5. I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep;

the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

6. I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t

see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.

7. I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting

Slinkies on the escalator.

8. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it

that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself

a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people & whatever you all do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES…

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew’s home. He knocked on the door, and thelittle 4-year-old boy went to the door and way the priest. He called to his dad, ‘Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!’

‘They are now reporting that the Grand Canyon is having a financial crisis. They say there might not be enough money to keep it going. How did the Grand Canyon make it this far?’ –Jay Leno

‘What they put women through today when they’re having a baby! They don’t want to medicate them, as compared to previous generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication, she didn’t wake up till I was seven.’ –Dennis Wolfberg

‘Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.’ – Henry Kissinger

‘Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.’ – Wendell Johnson

‘According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for your prostate. Well, I’m glad they got this out in time. I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no idea it’s bad for you.’ -Jay Leno

‘Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will replace the old customer

classifications: teeth or no teeth.’–Conan O’Brien

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, “You know, honey, I think there might be

some real merit to what this article says, that the intelligence of a father often proves a

stumbling block to the son.” “Well, thank heaven,” said the wife, “at least our James has
nothing standing in his way.” 😐

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”

Answer: Dr. Strangelove!
The full name of the 1964 dark comedy is “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb”, but is more commonly referred to by its shorter title. In the film, crazed U.S. Air Force General Jack D. Ripper believes the Russians are poisoning our water, so he orders a squadron of B-52 bombers to carry out a nuclear attack on the Soviet Union. What he’s not aware of is that the Russians have invented a doomsday device, which is set to detonate if the Soviets come under nuclear attack. Once the device is activated, it is capable of wiping out all human and animal life on the planet. It is now up to the President of the United States and his advisors to figure out a way to get the bomber pilots to abort the mission, but in the end they are unsuccessful. The line is spoken by the President, one of three characters portrayed by the incomparable Peter Sellers, after a tussle breaks out between a U.S. General and the Russian ambassador.

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “There’s no crying in baseball!”?

Wednesday’s Quizzler is….

What are the answers to all these clues and what do those answers have in common?

1. An amber tinted paste used on a wienerwurst.
2. A purple fruit
3. Besides the number of days, the months of May and August have this in common.
4. A finely feathered and polychromatic avian friend.
5. A 7 letter word for a pigment like crimson.
6. A bleached and neutral hue.

Answer: The answers are:
1. Mustard
2. Plum
3. Green (The color of the birthstones of May and August).
4. Peacock
5. Scarlet
6. White

All these words are the last names of the characters in the game of Clue (Cluedo).
1. Colonel Mustard
2. Professor Plum
3. Mr. Green
4. Mrs. Peacock
5. Miss Scarlet
6. Mrs. White

Thursday’s Quizzler is…….

Before I came, confusion abounded.
I’m late, I’m late was frequently sounded.I’m not average, but was based on a mean.
My size, in theory, is constant: fifteen.

I’m two dozen steps, again in theory.
But walk my length and you’d get weary.

I take half and quarter steps at times.
In reality, I don’t follow the lines.

I shrink to nothing in two cold extremes.
Over a thousand miles wide in the betweens.

What am I?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

RECOMMENDED WEBSITE LINKS:

http://www.slampi.org, http://www.hopeBUILD.org, http://www.GodLovesPraise.com, https://elisabethluxe.com, http://www.themuscleministry.com.

CHECK OUT MY BOOK online at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FF669PT/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1531337765&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Banquet+Servers+Hand+Guide#, Amazon.com: The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store. http://www.amazon.com