Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Tuesday July 16, 2019

17 FATAL things to say if your wife is pregnant:

17. “I finished the Oreos.”

16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”

15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!”

14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”

13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”

12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”

11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”

10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”

9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”

8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

7. “Get your own ice cream.”

6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”

5. “Got milk ?”

4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”

3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”

2. “Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”

1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a Happy Tuesday people & whatever you do,

don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES…

“Because of the bad U.S. economy, many Broadway producers have started taking their musicals to China. In a related

story, the entire cast of ‘Cats’ has been eaten.” – Conan O’Brien

“Never tell anyone that you’re writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They’ll encourage you to death.” – Lynn Johnston

“The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.” – Paul Valery

“Exciting news from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology. The Norwegians released a study today that says having a sense of humor can help people live longer. In other words, if you don’t laugh at this monologue tonight, you’re

going to die.” -Jimmy Kimmel

so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That’s right, Middle East — a car that runs on fat. Now who has the greatest energy reserves in the world?” -Conan O’Brien

“A fellow who is always declaring he’s no fool usually has his suspicions.” – Wilson Mizner

“The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotation.” – Benjamin Disraeli

“I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.” – John Cleese

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, “you gave me too much money.” I said, “Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.” She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.” The clerk then

proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s. 😱😳😁😎

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You don’t wanna wait for your share? “Naw, I’d just blow it”

Answer: The Sting!
In this scene (the final scene in the movie) con men Johnny Hooker (Robert Redford) and Henry Gondorff (Paul Newman) and a crew assembled by them have successfully pulled off an elaborate con against gangster Doyle Lonnegan (Robert Shaw). Gondorff asks Hooker with line one about waiting for his share of the proceeds, but Hooker knows himself and replies with line two. Besides, he is immensely satisfied at getting revenge for the death of his former partner Luther Coleman (Robert Earl Jones), whose killing was ordered by Lonnegan. There is a wonderful surprise ending, which I won’t reveal in case you haven’t seen it!

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees.”?

Monday’s Quizzler is….

This teaser is based on a weird but true story from a few years ago.

A complaint was received by the president of a major car company:

“This is the fourth time I have written you, and I don’t blame you for not answering me because I must sound crazy, but it is a
fact that we have a tradition in our family of having ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. Every night after we’ve eaten, the family votes on which flavor of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. I recently purchased a new Pantsmobile from your company and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream my car won’t
start. If I get any other kind of ice cream the car starts just fine. I want you to know I’m serious about this question, no matter
how silly it sounds: ‘What is there about a Pantsmobile that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'”

The Pantsmobile company President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but he sent an engineer to check it out anyway. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the grocery store. The man bought vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car it wouldn’t start for several minutes.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started right away. The second night, he got strawberry and again the car started right up. The third night he bought vanilla and the car failed to start.

There was a logical reason why the man’s car wouldn’t start when he bought vanilla ice cream. What was it?

(The hint may prove helpful)

Answer: Vanilla ice cream was the most popular flavor and was on display in a little case near the express check out, while the other flavors were in the back of the store and took more time to select and check out. This mattered because the man’s car was experiencing vapor lock, which is excess heat boiling the fuel in the fuel line and the resulting air bubbles blocking the flow of fuel until the car has enough time to cool. When the car was running there was enough pressure to move the bubbles along, but not when the car was trying to start.

Moral of the story: Sometimes even insane sounding problems are real. A better moral: Chocolate ice cream cures vapor lock.

Tuesday’s Quizzler is…….

I’m often seen around a lot, referred to many ways,
See me black and you may find misfortune haunts your days.
Tell a thing, that should have been kept quiet, to all around,
Then look inside the sack, there I’m no longer to be found.
Nosiness, prying, snooping, leaves me fearing, full of dread,
For all these things are likely to see me soon lying dead.
These clues combined should start to give a picture, an idea,
Of who or what I am, so can you tell me? Is it clear?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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