Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Friday August 9, 2019

Weekend Punagraphy….

1. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was

60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

2. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one.

I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,

they are always locking three of them.

3. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.

Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

4. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt

with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

5. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because

they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs

of her on the wall.😐

6. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you

know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said “I didn’t know there were any

witnesses. Now I’ll have to eliminate you too”.

7. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that,

he went down hill fast.

8. My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.😳

9. “Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

10. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.😱

11. A Mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.

12. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”😁

13. The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

14. eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

15. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Weekend people & whatever you do,

don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

DAILY QUOTES…

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United

States. Ask any Indian.” – Robert Orben

“Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards

and in high heels.” – Bob Thaves

“Now, in reality, the world have paid too great a compliment to critics, and have

imagined them to be men of much greater profundity than they really are. – Henry Fielding

“Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.” – Frank Zappa

“History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.”

– Napoleon Bonaparte

“Anything too stupid to be said is sung.” – Voltaire

“Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows

users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a

rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?” -Conan O’Brien

“More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of government.

Well, that’s because the three stooges are more likely to get something done.” -David Letterman

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her

computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that

her computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her, “Unplug the power

cord and bring it up here and I’ll fix it for you.” About ten minutes later

she showed up at his door… with the electrical cord in her right hand. 😳😱😁😎

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage.”

Answer: Raiders of the Lost Ark!
“Raiders of the Lost Ark”, released in 1981, was the first film in the “Indiana Jones” franchise. Set in 1936, Harrison Ford played Dr. Jones, an archeologist hired to find the Ark of the Covenant before it ended up in the hands of the Nazis. When his love interest Marion Ravenwood says, “You’re not the man I knew ten years ago”, Indiana Jones responds as only Indiana Jones can. “Raiders of the Lost Ark” was a huge commercial and critical success. It was the highest grossing film of 1981, and went on to win 5 Academy Awards.

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Open the pod bay doors, HAL.” “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Thursday’s Quizzler is….

Each pair of definitions is for two words, where the second word is the first word with a letter deleted (example: brand & band). The length of the first word in each pair is provided, along with the position of the deleted letter to obtain the second word.

1) a baked food made from flour (5 letters) & (delete 3rd letter) a thin metal nail with a small indented head
2) of or relating to groups of people with common characteristics and customs (6 letters) & (delete 4th letter) the discipline dealing with what is good and bad and with moral duty and obligation
3) very small in size or amount (5 letters) & (delete 5th letter) to examine or look over carefully
4) the raised line that winds around a screw (6 letters) & (delete 2nd letter) to step or walk on or over

Answer: 1) bread & brad
2) ethnic & ethic
3) scant & scan
4) thread & tread

Friday’s Quizzler is…….

The parents of five children decided to share responsibility for entertaining the kids (one of whom is Bruce) during the week between the end of day camp and the start of the school. Each parent took a different day of the week, Monday through Friday, to take the children on a different outing (including taking them horseback riding). They also each rented a movie (including Mulan) for the children to watch. For each day, determine who took care of the kids, that parent’s child, the outing the parent supervised and the movie he or she rented.

1. The five parents were: the one who took the children bowling, the one who rented “Antz”, Katie’s parent, Mr. Bidwell and Mrs. Molinari.

2. The parent who rented “Finding Nemo” didn’t take the kids bowling and isn’t related to Katie.

3. Neither Mrs. Parker nor the parent who took the kids to miniature golf rented “Ice Age”.

4. The children went roller skating the day before they saw “Monster’s Inc.”, which was the day before Mr. Sandoval entertained them.

5. The parent who took the kids skating didn’t rent “Antz”.

6. Mr. Sandoval wasn’t the parent who rented “Finding Nemo” (which the children watched Thursday).

7. Mrs. Lee is Derek’s mother.

8. Linda’s parent, who isn’t Mrs. Molinari and who didn’t rent “Antz”, entertained the kids on Friday.

9. Ryan’s parent took care of the children the day after the parent who took the kids swimming.

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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