Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday August 27, 2019
 
Thinking Out Loud….
 
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
 
2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
 
3. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
 
4. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
 
5. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
 
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
 
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
 
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.
 
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.
 
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
 
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
 
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 
13. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
 
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a Happy Tuesday people & whatever you do,

don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

 

DAILY QUOTES…

“Everywhere is walking distance

if you have the time.” – Steven Wright

 
“Nothing is more conducive to peace
of mind than not having any opinions at all.”
– Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

 
“It is a mistake to think you can solve
any major problems just with potatoes.”
– Douglas Adams

 
“Well, a new study has found that having a cat
makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart
attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really.” –Jay Leno

 
“A company is now making a cell phone that allows
you to talk to your dog. It enables you to talk to
your dog. The way it works is that first you have to be insane.”
–Dave Letterman

“According to Blender magazine, the average person spends
three years of their life in the bathroom on their cell phone.
Do you know what’s really pathetic? If it turned out those
were the best years of your life.” -Jay Leno😱😁😎  
 
 
 
 
 
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….

THE NAME GAME

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she’d be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.😁
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she’d be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM),

and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener. 😳😎

 

 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Hey, you wanna hear my philosophy of life? Do it to him before he does it to you.”

Answer:  Marlon Brando – “On the Waterfront”
“On the Waterfront” was a 1954 movie and starred Marlon Bando as Terry Malloy, a man who dreamed about being a boxer whilst working on the docks in Hoboken, New Jersey, and of his fight against corruption. The movie also starred Karl Malden, Lee J Cobb, Rod Steiger, Pat Henning and Leif Erickson. 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???

“I’m as mad as …, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

 Monday’s Quizzler is….

I have a common English phrase. I feed this phrase into a computer translation program. This translates it into a foreign language then back into English again. Unfortunately, because computers do not understand idiom and sarcasm, the phrase has been changed. It now reads:

BLIND, INSANITY.

What was the original phrase?

Answer:  Out of sight, out of mind.


Tuesday’s Quizzler is…….

In a far away land, it was known that if you drank poison, the only way to save yourself is to drink a stronger poison, which neutralizes the weaker poison. The king that ruled the land wanted to make sure that he possessed the strongest poison in the kingdom, in order to ensure his survival, in any situation. So the king called the kingdom’s pharmacist and the kingdom’s treasurer, he gave each a week to make the strongest poison. Then, each would drink the other one’s poison, then his own, and the one that will survive, will be the one that had the stronger poison.
The pharmacist went straight to work, but the treasurer knew he had no chance, for the pharmacist was much more experienced in this field, so instead, he made up a plan to survive and make sure the pharmacist dies. On the last day the pharmacist suddenly realized that the treasurer would know he had no chance, so he must have a plan. After a little thought, the pharmacist realized what the treasurer’s plan must be, and he concocted a counter plan, to make sure he survives and the treasurer dies. When the time came, the king summoned both of them. They drank the poisons as planned, and the treasurer died, the pharmacist survived, and the king didn’t get what he wanted.  What exactly happened there?

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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