Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Thursday September 5, 2019

Here’s the story….

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

“And what if I swallow it?” “No problem,” says the barber.

“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”😱😳😐😎

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and

whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!

Quotes of the Day

“Committee–a group of men who individually can do nothing

but as a group decide that nothing can be done.”
– Fred Allen

“If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television,

we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.” – Johnny Carson

“As a way to attract movie viewers, the Oscars now will nominate

10 movies for Best Picture, instead of five.
That’s just what the Oscars are missing

— more losers.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is National Catfish Day. You’re supposed to recognize the

value of catfish. I recognize their value by eating them.”
-Craig Ferguson

“According to the latest census survey, the number of people without

health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh,
they’re dead because they didn’t have health insurance.” –Jay Leno

“The first thing I did after being hired as the director of learning

technology at a high school was to change the sign

outside my door — the one that had my name followed

by the acronym D.O.L.T.”

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a

study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were

looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder.

The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses

the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….

Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off.

So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where

all the guests were from. “Burnt Mattress, Arkansas,” called out the friend

sitting next to me. “Burnt Mattress!” said the instructor, suppressing a laugh.

“I’ve heard some unusual town names before, but never that

one. Where’s it located?” My friend shot back, “Right above Hot Springs.”😁😎

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you”.

Answer: “Yankee Doodle Dandy”
“Yankee Doodle Dandy” is a 1942 movie that stars James Cagney as George M Cohan. The movie also features Joan Leslie and Walter Huston. The film tells of the life story of George M Cohan, who was a dancer, singer and actor.

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You know you don’t have to act with me, Steve. You don’t have to say anything, and you don’t have to do anything. Not a thing. Oh, maybe just whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you,

Steve? You just put your lips together and… blow.”

Wednesday’s Quizzler is….

Emperor Akbar once ruled over India. He was a wise and intelligent ruler, and he had in his court the Nine Gems, his nine advisors, who were each known for a particular skill. One of these Gems was Birbal, known for his wit and wisdom. The story below is one of the examples of his wit. Do you have it in you to find out the answer?

One day, a dishonest, one-eyed man wanted to punish Birbal. He accused him of stealing his 24 karat gold necklace and reported this theft to the police. The case was brought to the high court where the judge knew Birbal very well, and he also knew that he was not a thief. So, he asked the man, “What makes you think that Birbal stole your necklace?”

“Your Honor, with my own one eye, I saw him stealing the necklace,” the man swiftly replied. Then he stated, “If he is innocent, let him prove it. Allow me to bring a hot iron, and if he can hold it in his bare hands, then I will be satisfied that he didn’t take my necklace and isn’t lying to me.”

A confused Birbal said, “You mean that if I’m telling the truth, I will not burn my hands with that red hot iron?”

“Of course not! God will then protect you,” the man strongly declared in front of a nodding crowd.

It would seem as if Birbal couldn’t do anything but hold the red hot iron which would undoubtedly burn him whether he was telling the truth or lying. However, he came up with another one of his witty replies on the spot.

Can you guess what he said?

Answer: Calmly, Birbal stated, “I am ready for that, if you believe that I will not be burnt, but the same should apply to you also. If you aren’t lying, the hot iron should not burn your hands either. So, you can kindly bring that red hot iron, holding it in both of your hands, and then give it to me to hold it.”
The speechless man quickly told the judge he would search in his house again, bowed, left, and never lied against Birbal again.

Thursday’s Quizzler is…….

Jessica, Matt, Chris, Ellen, and Tony are five students having the surnames Saunders, Alvarez, Mason, Tan, and Locke (not necessarily in that order) assigned to each read a different book and write a book report on them. But their teacher, unluckily, has forgotten which student is supposed to read which book! Help her figure out the students’ full names, assigned books, and presentation dates from the clues below.

Students: Jessica, Matt, Chris, Ellen, Tony
Surnames: Saunders, Alvarez, Mason, Tan, Locke
Books: Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Gone With the Wind, War and Peace, Oliver Twist
Days: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday

1. Jessica, Chris, and the girl reading War and Peace plan to write their reports together on Monday night.

2. The 5 students are Matt, the girl presenting on Wednesday, the guy presenting on Tuesday, the kid reading Gone With the Wind, and Chris Saunders.

3. No person has the same first and last initials.

4. Miss Alvarez is presenting on Wednesday, while Pride and Prejudice is being presented on Monday.

5. Locke is mad he is the first to present, but Chris is happy because he is last.

6. Miss Tan wanted to read either Jane Eyre or War and Peace, but Tony and Ellen wound up reporting them instead.

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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