WELCOME to Monday September 9, 2019

Monday’s Punagraphy….

1. What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!

2. Somebody stole all my lamps….and I couldn’t be more de-lighted!

3. My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me…I think she’s just being clothes-minded!

4. The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!

5. Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!

6. What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!

7. I’m no cheetah…you’re lion!

8. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!

9. Never date someone cross-eyed… You’ll always catch them seeing other people on the side!

10. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”

11. Time flies like an arrow… Fruit flies like a banana!

12. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

13. Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing Windows!

14. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

15. I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!

16. I have a few jokes about unemployed people… But none of them work!

17. Every soccer player’s favorite beverage? Penal-tea!

18. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!

19. What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller!

20. I bought some shoes on the drug black market…I don’t know what

they’re laced with, but I’ve been tripping all day!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!

 

 

Quotes of the Day

“According to a new survey, about half of the world thinks kissing is gross. That half is known as ‘married people.'” -Jimmy Fallon

 

“A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero.” -Conan O’Brien

 

“A winery in France is currently facing a rose shortage. For those of you not familiar with these terms, a winery is a group of women who have run out of rose.” -Seth Meyers

 

When our ship stopped in the Atlantic Ocean for a ‘swim call,’ the chief boatswain noticed how nervous I was. “Don’t worry,” he assured me. “You are never more than three miles from land.” Then he added, “Straight down.”

 

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

 

When we decided to sell our house, we nailed “FOR SALE BY OWNER” signson two trees in our front yard. Before long, the doorbell rang. “How much do you want for the trees?” a young man asked. 😳

 

 

“The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it’s a little frustrating when you try to text, ‘Burglar! Please hurry!,’ and it auto-corrects to, ‘Burger, please. Hungry.'” -Jimmy Fallon 😁

 

 

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a young woman standing next to him smiling. Noticing the rather distinct bulge she asked, “What do you have in your pocket?”

“Tennis ball,” the man said, smiling back.  “Wow!” said the woman looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was terrible!”  😱😁😎

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I’m walking here! I’m walking here!”
Answer:  Midnight Cowboy”
“Midnight Cowboy” is a 1969 movie and stars Dustin Hoffman as “Ratso” Rizzo, together with John Voight, and Sylvia Miles. It tells the story of two men who live in New York.

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “After all, a lot of people are going to think we are a shocking pair.”

Friday’s Quizzler is….​

A phobia is an irrational fear or hatred of a specific thing or situation which compels one to avoid it despite awareness and reassurance that the object or situation is not dangerous. Listed below are the names and definitions of six phobias. Five are real phobias documented in psychology journals, while one is an imposter. Can you determine which one from the list below is not a real phobia?

Trichopathophobia – Fear of hair
Pentheraphobia – Fear of mother-in-law
Aibohphobia – Fear of Palindromes
Doraphobia – Fear of fur or skins of animals
Logizomechanophobia – Fear of computers.
Onomatophobia- Fear of hearing a certain word or of certain names.

Answer: Aibohphobia is not a real, documented phobia; it is actually a joke started on the Internet. It has not appeared in any documented psychology journal. The joke, of course, is that the word Aibohphobia is a palindrome.

The title is part of a quote on fear from the book Dune, by Frank Herbert.

 

Monday’s Quizzler is…….

Five siblings are they, their color is true;
One belongs to one, four are shared by two.
Connected together, some by locks;
Many meet their fate upon the rocks.
Arrange their initials, and you should
Find things that are found in a neighborhood.

What has just been described?🤔

 

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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