Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!


WELCOME to Monday September 30, 2019

* “I resent your insinuendoes.”
* “No man is an Ireland.”
* “If we don’t make some changes, the status quo will remain the same.”
* “We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
* “If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave.”
* “We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report.”
* “Let’s jump off that bridge when we come to it.”
* “To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility.”
* “I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators.”
* “If somebody’s gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there.”
* “When you’re talking to me, keep your mouth shut.”
* “Let’s do this in one foul swoop.”
* “I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session.”
* “We’ll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger.”
* “The average age of a 7-year-old in this state is 13.”
* “We have a permanent plan for the time being.”
* “Family planning has many misconceptions.”
* “The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city.”
* “My knowledge is no match for his ignorance.”
* “As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state.”
* “These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he’s talking about.”

* “People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!



Quotes of the Day

“I read that white giraffes were just caught on video for the first time ever.
Researchers knew that they were white, cuz they were drinking pumpkin spice lattes.” -Jimmy Fallon

“The Italian restaurant chain ‘Villa Italian Kitchen’ is adding a new pumpkin spice
 pizza to its menu. And if you like that, you’re gonna love Starbucks’ new Linguini Mocha.” -Seth Meyers
“More people have died taking selfies than have been killed by sharks. My policy is,
you should treat selfies like you treat drinking. Try not to do it alone, definitely don’t
do it while you’re driving, and if you take more than two or three a day,
you should probably seek help.” -James Corden

“Microsoft founder Bill Gates gave a speech yesterday. And in that speech, he apologized for making the  ctrl-alt-delete function on computers so complicated. But then he added, I mean, I’m as sorry as I can be about something that made me $85 billion.” -James Corden

“I read that Taco Bell will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that YOU’RE having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Eighty years ago today, J. R. R. Tolkien’s book ‘The Hobbit’ was released. To give you an idea what 80 years feels like, watch the movie.” -Seth Meyers


Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes…. 

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to
be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their
 prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, “Since you
are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist.”

Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. “I don’t

understand,” he said. “How can we have the ceremony without me?”😎😁😳😱

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You truly love each other and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the story books say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will.”

Answer:  The Princess Bride! Prince Humperdinck says this to Westley in the Pit of Despair after Buttercup insists that Westley will always come for her. Humperdinck then sets the torture machine to suck fifty years from Westley’s life, leaving him “mostly dead.”

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???

 “Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.”



Friday’s Quizzler is….​

A potato’s key tool, I have all the power.

I am generally used on the half or full hour.
If my cells were deceased or lost or the such,
My partner would only respond to your touch.

What am I?

Answer:  A television remote control.
Often used by a “couch potato”. Channels are most often changed between programs, which end on the hour or half-hour.  If you lose the batteries, the only way to control the TV is by hand.



Monday’s Quizzler is…….

Last night during their weekly poker game, five men (Brad, John, Mitch, Paul, and Ron) were bragging about how romantic they were. In order to decide who was the best husband, they planned to take their wives on a special date this Friday night, including dinner, flowers, and a movie. Can you figure out the name of each wife, where the couple went for dinner, the flowers she received, and the movie they saw?
The wives are: Belinda, Jessica, Monica, Penelope, and Robyn
The flowers are: Daisies, Pansies, Roses, Sunflowers, and Tulips
The restaurants are: Bella Notte (Italian), Cowhide (Steak), Juan’s (Mexican), OoLaLa (French), and Wok In and Out (Chinese)
The movies are: Gone in 20 Seconds (a movie about car thieves), Lonely Canary (a western), The Journal (a romance), Pretty Lady (a romantic comedy), and Shriek (a horror movie).

1. John, who didn’t take out Belinda (who went to Bella Notte, but not with Ron or Mitch), had to turn on all the lights and check under the bed for killers before his wife would come inside the house and put the tulips in a vase.
2. The couple that dined at Cowhide did not see “The Journal” or “Gone in 20 Seconds”.
3. Penelope, who didn’t get pansies, loved the car movie her husband took her to (he wasn’t Paul, who gave roses to his “Pretty Lady”).
4. Robyn did not get roses, but she found a romantic message in her eggroll, which wasn’t from Ron.
5. The couple that went to Juan’s enjoyed the daisies, but they did not see “The Journal”.
6. Monica got sunflowers from her husband.
7. Mitch and his wife filled up on tacos before their movie.
8. Jessica, who was not married to Brad (who gave pansies to his wife), went to OoLaLa.
9. Robyn’s husband wanted to see “Shriek”, the new slasher film, but she insisted on a more romantic movie.






LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at



CHECK OUT MY BOOK online at, The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store.




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