WELCOME to Friday December 13, 2019
MORE Punagraphy….for the weekend..
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went; then it dawned on me.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.😁
I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
I dropped out of socialism class because of lousy Marx.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.😐
Why is 10 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When chemists die, they barium.
Velcro! What a rip off!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
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Quotes of the Day
“An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition bottles of Hello Kitty-themed wine
for the holiday season. Its the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece.” -Seth Meyers
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“Two hundred cows recently died in a field in Wisconsin. Nobody knows the cause
of death, but they suspect boredom.” -Conan O’Brien
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“A brewery in Oregon is coming out with a new Sriracha-flavored beer. That’s right,
beer that tastes like hot sauce. They said it’s the perfect beverage for finding out if
you’re an alcoholic: ‘There’s only one beer left and it has hot sauce in it –
just give it to me!'” -Jimmy Fallon
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Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. A stunned patron then asks the waiter, “What was that all about?” The waiter responded, “That’s just the way pandas are,” and walked away.
Well, the patron didn’t know what a panda was, so at home that night he looks up “panda” in the dictionary and what he finds explained everything: “Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves.” 😱😳😎
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Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ”
“There’s a price on your head.”
“How much?”
“One hundred gold pieces.”
“Is that all?
Answer: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves!
When Robin returns from the Crusades, he finds his father dead and his lands claimed by the Sheriff of Nottingham. He rallies the oppressed peasants together, and begins a resistance against the Sheriff’s greed. This exchange takes place between Robin and Maid Marian, shortly after he has been named an outlaw. Kevin Costner, Morgan Freeman, Alan Rickman and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio starred under Kevin Reynolds’ direction. Sean Connery appeared briefly as King Richard, returned from the Crusades to thank Robin for saving his kingdom.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“In any place where they fight, a man who knows how to drill men can always be a king. We will go to those parts, and say to any king we find, ‘D’you want to vanquish your foes?’ And we will show him how to drill men, for we know that better than anything else. Then we will subvert the king, and seize his throne, and establish a dynasty.”
Thursday’s Quizzler is….
Oh no!! The charge nurse accidentally shredded the patient assignment list for the nurses at General Hospital.
Use the clues to determine each nurse’s first and last name, their patient’s first name, age, and health condition.
Nurse first names: Molly, James, John, Linda, Rose
Nurse last names: Smith, Ash, Silva, Jacks, Jones
Patient ages: 68, 15, 28, 31, 45
Patient conditions: broken leg, heart attack, coma, pneumonia, cancer.
Patient names: Mark, Emily, Liz, Andrew, Mindy
Emily is 31 years old.
The five nurses are: Miss Ash, the one caring for the coma patient, Rose, the man taking care of the 68 year old patient, and James Silva.
The five patients are: the 45 year old female cardiac patient, the cancer patient, Mindy, the 15 year old coma patient,
and the female pneumonia patient who graduated high school about 12 years ago.
Liz is younger than Mr. Jones’ cancer patient but older than Andrew.
Miss Ash’s patient has pneumonia.
Smith’s patient, Mindy, is younger than the cardiac patient, but older than Molly’s pediatric patient.
Answer: Molly Jacks is taking care of 15 year old coma patient, Andrew.
James Silva is taking care of 45 year old heart attack patient, Liz.
John Jones is taking care of 68 year old cancer patient, Mark.
Linda Ash is taking care of 31 year old pneumonia patient, Emily.
Rose Smith is taking care of 28 year old broken leg patient, Mindy.
Friday’s Quizzler is…….
Five dogs recently competed for best in show in the local kennel club. Each dog belonged to a different AKC group, preferred a different kind of treat, and wore a different color lead. Can you determine each dog’s group, lead color, favorite treat, and the place he or she took in the show?
Note: The Rhodesian Ridgeback is a member of the Hound Group.
1. The dog with the red lead finished before the dog who liked chicken bites, but after the dog that belonged to the herding group (who is not Sadie).
2. The dog that placed third was not Rusty (who is a working dog).
3. The sporting dog placed just ahead of the one with a pink lead, and somewhere behind Charlie (who didn’t like rawhide treats).
4. The hound did not like the beef or liver treats.
5. Rusty did not wear the blue lead.
6. Wags, who hated Scooby snacks, was a Rhodesian Ridgeback, and his handler hated the color green, so she would never let him wear a green lead.
7. Neither Pharaoh nor Sadie liked Scooby snacks or wore green.
8. The herding dog, who hated beef biscuits, had a blue lead for good luck, but did not take first place.
9. The 3rd place dog did not wear a red lead.
10. Pharaoh is not a sporting dog.
11. The five dogs in order of rank, from 1st to 5th, were:
The one who ate Scooby snacks, Charlie, the one who loved beef biscuits, the sporting dog, and the one with the pink lead.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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