WELCOME to Wednesday January 15, 2019
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
Quotes of the Day
“Honestly must be the best policy, but it’s important to remember
that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.” -George Carlin
“When I’m in a slump, I comfort myself by saying if I believe in dinosaurs,
then somewhere, they must be believing in me. And if they believe in me,
then I can believe in me. Then I bust out.” -Mookie Wilson (baseball player)
People born in the year 2000 never have to
remember how old they are.” -Nick Offerman
“They say that when you have a baby, you lose 700
hours of sleep in the first year, but it’s worth it when they’re old
enough to do the yard work.” -Craig Ferguson
“A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip
into their retirement savings last year. And the
other 80 percent said, ‘retirement savings?'” -Jimmy Fallon
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides.
The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. “I see you are a teacher,” he said. “What do you teach?”
“English and theater,” I responded. “I guess I better watch my grammar,” the defense attorney quipped.
“No,” I shot back. “You better watch your acting.” When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused
from the case. 😳😁😎
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ”
“Wow, I’m back on the moon!” This is bad enough, but what comes next?
Aagh! It’s just too awful. MJ certainly isn’t “up there” as the kiss definitely didn’t match up to Spidey’s.
Luckily, the film redeemed itself with this great quotation from J. Jonah Jameson (John’s father) when Doc Ock’s mechanical contraption gets welded to his body; “Guy named Otto Octavius winds up with eight limbs. What’re the odds?”
This second “Spiderman” film sees Spidey up against new enemy, Doc Ock, and other problems such as losing faith in himself and not wanting the responsibility of being such a superhero.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“She always did enjoy a good squeeze.”
Tuesday’s Quizzler is….
A sundial is a timepiece that has the fewest number of moving parts. Which timepiece has the most moving parts?
Answer: An Hourglass
Wednesday’s Quizzler is…….
Swaff is sitting at his desk, being cool, when his younger brother Geemiee walks up. Geemiee had recently been practicing his (fake) magical powers, trying to turn cheese into more cheese, so he believes he can beat Swaff in anything. He sets up a little competition, the first to get 5 ounces of water to freeze, will be proclaimed the coolest guy in their home.
They set up some rules, as follows:
-They both can only use normal water that comes out of their stainless steel faucet.
-They both use identical containers
-They both must use the same freezer, at the same time.
Now, Swaff realizes that if he were to lose, he would become less cool, he just doesn’t roll like that. So, how can Swaff have the best chance of winning over Geemiee?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
RECOMMENDED WEBSITE LINKS:
http://www.slampi.org, http://www.hopeBUILD.org, http://www.GodLovesPraise.com, https://elisabethluxe.com, http://www.themuscleministry.com.
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