WELCOME to Thursday January 16, 2019
How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale……
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner… as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off…to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally. 😁
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
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Quotes of the Day
“I have particularly vivid memories of Iowa summers because my father was the last person in the Midwest to buy an air conditioner. He thought they were unnatural. He thought anything that cost more than $30 was unnatural.”
–Bill Bryson from “I’m a Stranger Here Myself”
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“At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you’re going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.” –Dave Barry
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“I worry about my health because I grew up on the tail end of the baby boom generation, and we were just pumped full of chemicals. Every time they came up with a new one, it was like, ‘Put it on cereal, keep it crunchy. Hey, put out the light, my teeth are glowing!’ Now my whole generation is eating tree bark to clean ourselves out.” –Jack Coen
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Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.” Bryan was unnerved when the father replied by quoting Paul: “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.” (1 Corinthians 7:38) Bryan, never at a loss for words, said: “Yes, but Paul
had no wife and Solomon had 700. Therefore, I believe Solomon ought to be the better judge as to marriage.”
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Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ”
“She always did enjoy a good squeeze.”
Answer: ‘Goldeneye’
Maybe I could write rubbish puns for ‘Bond’ films! ‘Goldeneye’ was Pierce Brosnan’s first outing as the 007 agent. Sean Bean also stars (as a baddie – who would have guessed it?) in this typical Bond-saves-world romp. Other characters are the deadly Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen), the sweet Natalya and ‘Goldeneye’ itself which is the key to a weapon in space that can cause all electronic equipment to shut down. Bond also gets to drive through the streets of Moscow in a giant tank with a statue on the top of it.
Pun-wise, there have been some predictable shockers in the ‘Bond’ series – another gem (ahem) is in ‘For Your Eyes Only’ when Roger Moore throws a baddie off a cliff and says “He never really had a head for heights.”
Pun-wise, there have been some predictable shockers in the ‘Bond’ series – another gem (ahem) is in ‘For Your Eyes Only’ when Roger Moore throws a baddie off a cliff and says “He never really had a head for heights.”
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“I can’t carry [the ring] for you, but I can carry you!”
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Wednesday’s Quizzler is….
Swaff is sitting at his desk, being cool, when his younger brother Geemiee walks up. Geemiee had recently been practicing his (fake) magical powers, trying to turn cheese into more cheese, so he believes he can beat Swaff in anything. He sets up a little competition, the first to get 5 ounces of water to freeze, will be proclaimed the coolest guy in their home.
They set up some rules, as follows:
-They both can only use normal water that comes out of their stainless steel faucet.
-They both use identical containers
-They both must use the same freezer, at the same time.
Now, Swaff realizes that if he were to lose, he would become less cool, he just doesn’t roll like that. So, how can Swaff have the best chance of winning over Geemiee?
Answer: All Swaff has to do in order to be the winner is use hot water.
Geemiee, being less cool than Swaff, didn’t know that water with a hot average temperature freezes faster than water that is at room temperature. The phenomenon that hot water may freeze faster than cold is often called the Mpemba effect.
Thursday’s Quizzler is…….
A J really enjoyed stitching pictures and designs with her needle and thread. Not only did she love making things, she had lots of fun giving them away. Recently, she just completed five projects. Can you figure out who got each project, what the design was, what the main color was, and how big it was?
Recipients: Daughter, Granny, Husband, Mom, Niece
Designs: Butterfly, Clouds, Cross, Flower, Leaves
Main colors: Blue, Brown, Green, Red, White
Sizes: Extra Small, Small, Medium, Large, Extra Large
1) The five projects were the one for her mom, the one with clouds, the brown one, the medium one, and the extra large one.
2) A J decided to give her daughter, Rachel, the smallest one since it would go in her locker at school.
3) A J used (subtractive) primary colors for the butterfly and the flower.
4) A J’s mom got a project that has something to do with plants.
5) Rachel’s cousin got the medium sized project with a butterfly.
6) A J had a lot of red, so she made that the main color of the large project.
7) The project for A J’s granny was bigger than the white one and bigger than the one with a cross.
8) A J did not use brown on her husband’s design.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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