One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”  And that’s how the fight started…

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘do you want to have relations?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’  She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘yes.’ So I said, ‘then I’d like to phone a friend.’ And that’s how the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And that’s how the fight started…

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.  She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’  And that’s how the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’  I bought her a bathroom scale.  And that’s how the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and  she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’  ‘Yes,’ She sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend… I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’  ‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’  And that’s the fight started…

I rear-ended a car this morning…. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… He was a DWARF!!!  He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’  And that’s how the fight started….

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.  Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’ And that’s how the fight started! The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do,  don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!  

_____________________________________________________________________

“Envy is the ulcer of the soul.” – Socrates

_____________________________________________________________________

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to

remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is

the second-best policy.” – George Carlin

_____________________________________________________________________

After examining the paltry tips left by a church group, our waitress

was not pleased. Looking toward my table, she grumbled, “Those

people come in with the Ten Commandments and a ten-dollar bill,

and they don’t break any of them!”

_____________________________________________________________________

I answer a lot of questions at the information desk at Olympic National

Park, in Washington State. But one visitor stumped me: “Do you have

any trails that just go downhill?”

_____________________________________________________________________

Even though it was warm outside, the heat was on full blast in my office

at the hospital. So I asked our nursing unit secretary to get someone to fix it.

This was a one-man job, so I could not figure out why two guys showed up — until I

was handed the maintenance request form. It read “Head nurse is hot.”😳