WELCOME to Thursday January 23, 2019
Employer’s Lingo:
“COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM” We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control.
“CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Employee’s Lingo:
“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:” I’ve used Microsoft Office.
“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE” I pilfer office supplies.
“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES” I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK” I blame others for my mistakes.
“I’M PERSONABLE” I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL” I carry a Day-Timer.
“I AM ADAPTABLE” I’ve changed jobs a lot.
“I AM ON THE GO” I’m never at my desk.
“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED” The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
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Quotes of the Day
“Some news for travelers here. I read that British Airways is getting rid of reclining seats
on their planes. And if you think that’s bad, Southwest just announced that their
new seats only recline forward.” -Jimmy Fallon
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“Anybody here drink water but wish you could pay more for it? Well, good news, folks, because the next big startup craze in Silicon Valley is companies offering consumers the chance to get ‘off the water grid’ with something called ‘raw water,’ which is water that is unfiltered, untreated, and unsterilized. Wow, drinking that sounds un-sane.” -Stephen Colbert
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“During a political protest on Capitol Hill today, 82 rabbis were arrested. It’s the first time D.C. police have dispersed a crowd by spraying them with bacon.” -Conan O’Brien
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Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
I had noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his
hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. “Things haven’t changed that much,”
she said. “The only difference is, before he didn’t listen to me. Now, he can’t.” 😳😁
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Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ”
“Hey, why am I Mr. Pink?”
Answer: “Reservoir Dogs”
Quentin Tarantino’s 1992 violent film “Reservoir Dogs” is about six strangers who are hired by a mobster named Joe Cabot to pull off a diamond robbery. Before the crime is committed, in order to retain their anonymity, they are each given colors as names e.g., Quentin Tarantino as Mr. Brown and Steve Buscemi as Mr. Pink who asks “Hey, why am I Mr. Pink?”. When the robbery goes terribly wrong, they begin to suspect an undercover cop in their midst. Both the brutality of the criminals and the language is realistic and very graphic! The quote about ‘hamburgers’ is said by Jules Winnfield in another Tarantino movie, “Pulp Fiction” from 1994.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
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Wednesday’s Quizzler is….
What is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?
Answer: Chicago.
3/7 chicken= CHI
2/3 cat = CA
1/2 goat= GO
Thursday’s Quizzler is…….
Detective Mick Mace was called to the scene of a beach murder. Two uniformed officers were already there, piecing together the chain of events that lead to the victim’s death.
“Her name is Jina Lange,” the first officer tells Mace, “a 27 year old waitress from ‘Jake’s Palace.’ She was running from someone, but they got her, all right. Knocked her to the ground hard, gashing her head open, and wrapped a belt around her neck. Tried to strangle her to death, but she didn’t die when the perp thought she did. She must have crawled 20 feet or so, but she was going toward the water by mistake. When she realized this, she was probably fading in and out of consciousness, and knew she wasn’t going to make it. Looks like she wrote the word “help” in the sand with her finger, but it has been partially washed away by the approaching tide. See there? The h is half gone already, and the p is missing the stem. We took some pictures for record, though.”
Mick Mace looked down at the woman who lay dead, shuddering as he thought of what it must be like to die at someone else’s hand. What were her last thoughts? What did this woman have to say that someone didn’t want the world to hear?
Suddenly, more cops arrive, with three men in tow. One, they called Jersey, was throwing a fit, his loose pants practically down to his knees in the struggle. “I wasn’t with her! I bought her a drink, but she left without even saying thanks!” The other, older gentlemen, was the club owner. “Name’s Shelby, detective. She was a great lady. This is a tragedy, but I will do anything to help. I saw her leave the club with that guy right there, but that’s all I have.” He pointed to the third man. “Yeah, so? She left with me, but only for a sec, to get some smokes from my car. She came right back, honest!”
At that moment, Mace thinks of a very important clue, and knows exactly who is responsible for Jina’s death. What does he figure out?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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