You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.

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Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, “Do you live around here often?” She said, “You’re wearing two different colored socks.” I said, “Yes, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.” Then she asked, “How do you feel?” and I said, “Well, you know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.”

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Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

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Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn’t doing what I was doing.

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I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me–and I didn’t hear it.

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I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”

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He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

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I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally

walk through into another dimension.

The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by. Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career. “Well,” he replied, “you better start thinking about it. You’ll be thirty before you know it.” “But I’m closer to twenty than to thirty,” I protested. “I won’t be thirty for eight more years.” “I see,” he said, smiling. “And when will you be twenty again?” 😳