I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading
accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who
live above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store… With a pricing gun… She said, “Give me all
of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store.”
While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom.
They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate,
he said: “Do I know you?”
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from
a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and
I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it… It feels real.”
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…
So I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on
my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty
pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.