Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

 

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WELCOME to Friday April 3, 2020
Resume Bloopers…..

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Microsoft Word computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don’t miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
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Quotes of the Day 
“Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go

insane.”- Philip K. Dick
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“A week has no basis in nature, as do days, months and years. So birds
don’t understand weeks or weekdays. They do know enough to come
back to the sidewalk cafe every day for crumbs. But suppose the cafe
is in the business district and closed on weekends? What do the birds
think of that? I’ll bet they’re really glad when Monday rolls around.
Unlike the rest of us.” –George Carlin
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“Why is New Jersey called the Garden State? Cause it’s too
hard to fit ‘Oil and Petro-Refinery State’ on a license plate.”
–Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality
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“Someone has said that there are only two kinds of people in
the world—- There are those who wake up in the morning and
say, “Good Morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up
in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.” –Unknown
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Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently
focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from
their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if
fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise
could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world’s flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.
It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.
A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.
One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past  the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)…

“Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises.” 😱😁😎

 
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Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ” 
 “Was it something I said?”

 
Answer:   Tomorrow Never Dies

“Tomorrow Never Dies” sees Bond played by Pierce Brosnan (Irish). Bond admits Paris got too close for comfort, in a bedroom scene, later on. Elliot Carver (the super-villain for this particular outing) tries to get China and the U.S into an all-out war after staging a skirmish on Chinese territories to expand his global media presence.
“Dr. No” was Sean Connery’s (Scottish) first outing as the smooth spy.
“On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” was George Lazenby’s (Australian) horrible attempt.

“The Living Daylights” featured Timothy Dalton (Welsh).

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“Hey, I guess they’re right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I’ll be right back. Don’t you go dying on me!”
 
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Thursday’s Quizzler is….​
 And now for more in the tradition of the Vowel-less Knights:

1. Mnds r lk prchts – th nl fnctn whn pn.
2. Bwr f smll xpnss, smll lk wll snk grt shp.

3. Prblms cnnt b slvd t th sm lvl f wrnss tht crtd thm.

Answer: 1. Minds are like parachutes – they only function when open.

Bonus: Thomas Dewar. He played the pipes in 1885, successfully annoying everyone else there.
2. Beware of small expenses, a small leak will sink a great ship.
Bonus: Benjamin Franklin.
3. Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.

Bonus: Albert Einstein.

 
Friday’s Quizzler is…….
What is special about these four words?

what, hole, ales, test
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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