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After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something

that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”

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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get

 all nervous and give the wrong answers.

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There is a fine line between fishing and just

standing on the shore like an idiot.

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Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of

and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind

and kick them in the rear end. The key to management is

knowing which mules are which.

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Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained. The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?” I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I’d say zero.” He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”  😁