WELCOME to Friday April 10, 2020
Here’s the story..
My bank and a new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank is installing new Video Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE😎
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE😱
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, stay inside, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
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Quotes of the Day
“Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets, doctors say be
careful, because you need carbohydrates because carbohydrates create
a chemical in your brain that cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you
see a guy on a ledge, about to jump… throw him a doughnut.” –Jay Leno
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“A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers
everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, ‘Wait a minute
— isn’t that every woman?'” -Dave Letterman😁
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“This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the manager of a
Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell
manager said, ‘It’s weird, my tacos usually don’t attack me until I’m in the bathroom.'”😱
-Conan O’Brien
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Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband.
They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.
“Steve,” his wife said, while reading the newspaper, “it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.”To which the husband replies, “Sorry to hear that, dear.
I’m sure you’ll miss your mother being gone.” 😁😎
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Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ”
“I’ll be right back”
Answer: Cast Away!
Tom Hanks leads in this film. “I’ll be right back” is what he says to his wife but, as you can guess, the plane crashes and Tom is stranded on a desert Island. Wilson is the name of the ball that Tom Hanks finds and names. Mr Wilson appeared in “Dennis the Menace” cartoons, comics and film alike. In “Pulp Fiction”, Butch has to throw a fight against Wilson and in “The Rocker”, the character of Fish was played by Rainn Wilson (such a cool name!)
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“Buckle your seatbelt Dorothy, ’cause Kansas is going bye-bye.”
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Thursday’s Quizzler is….
Doctor Dodge was staying with Cousin Jamie in Jamie’s lakeside cabin. They were setting up Jamie’s will. As Dodge was Jamie’s closest living relative, much of Jamie’s estate was being left to him. One day, Jamie went to Dr Dodge very disturbed. “Doctor,” he began, “I have just found out that a man named Georgio wants to get me. He will be here very soon. Where will I go? Where can I hide? If he finds me in here, he will surely kill me. I do not have time to leave this clearing and go farther into the woods.” Dr Dodge thought for a moment, and then grabbed a 5′ long bamboo pole, with a diameter the size of a quarter. “Jamie, follow me out to the lake. This lake is 4′ deep. If you lie on the bottom of the lake and breathe through this pole, Georgio will never find you. I will be in the bulrushes with a shotgun, and I will shoot him when he comes. I will swim down to find you when he is gone.” Jamie consented, and lay down on the bottom of the lake with the bamboo pole in his mouth. A few hours later, a ranger passed by. He found Jamie’s body, dead. Dr Dodge told the police of the circumstance, and that Jamie had probably panicked, and died. Police arrested Dr Dodge, on the charges of murdering Jamie. Why?
The bamboo pole did not have any cracks or holes. Its opening was above water the whole time.
Answer: Jamie died of carbon dioxide poisoning. The pole was 5′ long, but only the size of a quarter.
The first time he breathed in, he breathed oxygen. When he exhaled, the air could not travel 5′ before he breathed in again. He was just breathing what he exhaled. Before long, all he was breathing was carbon dioxide. He died of CO2 poisoning.
Doctor Dodge was the one who told him to use the pole, therefore the cause of his death. Dodge is a DOCTOR, and therefore knows about the CO2. Dodge did murder Jamie. His motive: the money in the will.
Friday’s Quizzler is…….
There are four letters that are anagrams to form six words.
You can cook food in ____.
You need ____ to cover fast food cups.
Red means ____ in certain situations.
A ____ can be found on dirty clothes and animals.
Police officers will ____ a warrant for someone’s arrest.
*Bonus*
A student sometimes ____ to not go to college.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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