Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

 

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WELCOME to Tuesday April 21, 2020
 
REDEFINITIONS!
1. Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
2. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
3. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
4. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
5. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
6. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
7. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
8. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
9. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.
10. Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
11. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.😁
12. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
13. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
14. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
15. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
16. Father: A banker provided by nature.

Number 16 people, that would be my role in life! Hey I’m just saying.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a Happy Tuesday people,
stay inside, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up!
Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
____________________________________________________
Quotes of the Day 
“A man travels the world over in search of
what he needs and returns home to find it.”

– George Moore
____________________________________________________
“I love quotations because it is a joy to find
thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed
with much authority by someone recognized
wiser than oneself.” – Marlene Dietrich
____________________________________________________
“It is dangerous for a national candidate
 to say things that people might remember.”
– Eugene McCarthy
____________________________________________________
“PETA was outside the Westminster Kennel
Club Dog Show last night protesting. They
want the dogs to stop wearing fur.” -David Letterman
____________________________________________________
“People in L.A. don’t eat cereal, because they
don’t like sugar because it’s bad for you. It’s
OK to inject botulism into your face, but not
to eat sugar!” -Craig Ferguson
____________________________________________________

“The weather in L.A. is unbelievable. Today

I had to dig my car out from under 18
inches of sunshine.” -Jimmy Kimmel
____________________________________________________
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman
 kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be
a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy
 to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him
so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters
was the sentence. “Get well quick….. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.” 😁
 
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Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ” 
“Wow, I’m back on the moon!”
Answer:   ‘Spiderman 2’
Aagh! It’s just too awful. MJ certainly isn’t “up there” as the kiss definitely didn’t match up to Spidey’s. Luckily, the film redeemed itself with this great quotation from J. Jonah Jameson (John’s father) when Doc Ock’s mechanical contraption gets welded to his body; “Guy named Otto Octavius winds up with eight limbs. What’re the odds?” This second “Spiderman” film sees Spidey up against new enemy, Doc Ock, and other problems such as losing faith in himself and not wanting the responsibility of being such a superhero.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???“She always did enjoy a good squeeze.”

____________________________________________________

 
Monday’s Quizzler is….​
The sailboats have been mixed up. You’ll need to work out which sailboat belongs to which owner, the dock numbers, and the lengths of the boats.

Boats: Adagio III, Fair Weather, Irish Pride, Petite Palm, White Squid
Docks: 6, 8, 16, 19, 28
Owners: Ann, Charlie, Hetta, Ivor, Kelly
Lengths (in ft): 22, 25, 28, 31, 34
Clues:
1. Of the sailboat at Dock 16 and Charlie’s boat, one is the Petite Palm and the other is the White Squid.
2. The Fair Weather isn’t moored at Dock 19.
3. The White Squid is 9 feet shorter than the Irish Pride.
4. The boat at Dock 19 is either Charlie’s boat or Ivor’s boat.
5. The five boats are the Petite Palm, the sailboat at Dock 8, the 28 ft boat, the 25 ft boat and Kelly’s sailboat.
6. The 22 ft vessel is owned by Kelly.
7. The Irish Pride isn’t owned by Hetta.
8. The 28 ft vessel isn’t moored at Dock 6.
9. The Adagio III is 3 feet longer than Kelly’s sailboat.
10. The 34 ft vessel isn’t moored at Dock 19.
Answer:  Adagio III, 25 ft, Ivor, Dock 19
Fair Weather, 28 ft, Hetta, Dock 28
Irish Pride, 31 ft, Ann, Dock 8
Petite Palm, 34 ft, Charlie, Dock 6

White Squid, 22 ft, Kelly, Dock 16

 
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is…….
A hobo had just been kicked off the train by one of the bosses. As he made his way down a dusty side road, he noticed a saffron robed man sitting next to a campfire apparently deep in thought. A wonderful smelling stew was bubbling in a pot next to him. It had been a full day since the hobo’s last meal, so he went over to the man and tapped him on the shoulder.
“I see by your robes that you are some kind of holy man,” said the hobo.
The Zen Master turned to the hobo and said, “You speak the truth.”
The hobo spoke, “I would sure like to try the stew you have on the campfire there; perhaps if I could tell you something to increase your wisdom, you will agree to share your meal.”
The Zen Master turned to the hobo and said, “Please, you are welcome to share my meal because you have already increased my wisdom!”

What had the Zen Master learned from the hobo to increase his wisdom?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
RECOMMENDED WEBSITE LINKS:
CHECK THIS BOOK OUT online at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FF669PT/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1531337765&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Banquet+Servers+Hand+Guide#, Amazon.com: The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store. http://www.amazon.com

 

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