WELCOME to Monday April 27, 2020
HOW TO TELL WHEN FOODS GO BAD….
ICE CREAM – If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and
your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.
FROZEN FOODS – Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled
(or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EGGS – When something starts pecking its way out of the shell,
the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS – Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage
cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular
cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway – if you can dig down and
still find something non-green, bon appetite!
MEAT – If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you’re
tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
CANNED GOODS – Any canned goods that have become the size
or shape of a softball should be disposed of very carefully.
POTATOES – Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
“spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy
and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that
your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You
may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded
when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will
no longer fall out of the box by itself.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer
be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there’s nothing to stop you
from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can’t chip off reasonable amounts from
the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on
your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
THE GAG TEST – Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers
from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw
away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods
older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
Hey I’m just saying. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
Have a great MONDAY people, stay inside, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up!
Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
Quotes of the Day
“In Florida, an 87-year-old man has donated 100
gallons of blood throughout his lifetime. And
the weird thing is, only half of it is his.” -Conan O’Brien
“Today, Prince William and Kate Middleton welcomed
their third child, a baby boy. A lot of people were betting
on the name of the new royal baby. And those people
have a name too–they’re called gambling addicts.” -Jimmy Fallon
“A Colorado woman was given an apple on her flight home
from Paris, she put it in her bag and forgot about it, and
now she’s facing a $500 fine for not declaring it at customs.
I’d be suspicious of this woman, too. I mean, who eats an
apple at the airport when there’s a Cinnabon right there?” -James Corden
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
Maury ran a small commercial real estate company. One day, back in the eighties,
he sold his interest in one of his projects for 3 million dollars. The only problem
was that the guy who bought him out was a big shot in his very small hometown
in Pennsylvania, and he wanted Maury to use the local bank branch. So Maury
goes in to the bank and tells the teller he’d like to open a few accounts. The teller
goes through the list of gifts you can get for your initial deposit. $300 gets you
a toaster, $600 for a television, etc. The teller then asks him how much he would
like to deposit. Without saying a word, Maury hands her the cashier’s check. The
teller turns bright red, and runs to get her manager. The manager escorts him into
her office, where they sit down. “Sir, welcome to our town. We’re thrilled to have you as a
customer. What can I get you?” To which Maury replied, “I’ll take 10,000 toasters.”😳😁😎
customer. What can I get you?” To which Maury replied, “I’ll take 10,000 toasters.”😳😁😎
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ”
“You think I’m licked. You all think I’m licked. Well, I’m not licked. And I’m gonna stay right
here and fight for this lost cause, even if this room gets filled with lies like these. And the
Taylor’s and all their armies come marching into this place. Somebody will listen to me.
Answer: Mr Smith Goes to Washington!
This is the film that firmly established Jimmy Stewart as a leading actor, and is often featured in lists of the greatest films of all time. The movie tells of Jeff Smith, an idealistic and naive young man who believes that, as junior senator from his (unnamed) home state he is going to Washington to fight for democracy and the good of the individual. He is quickly made aware that life is not as straightforward as that. His bill proposing the establishment of a boys’ camp on the same land that is part of a corrupt political deal involving the senior senator from his state leads to his being branded as corrupt, and he is about to leave in disgrace and despair when he is inspired, while visiting the Lincoln Memorial, to fight the motion to remove him from the senate. To delay the vote, he engages in a filibuster in which he explains all of his ideals, finally ending when he collapses after receiving a load of fake telegrams purporting to be from his constituents and telling him he doesn’t have their support. His collapse spurs Senator Paine to admit that he is the guilty one, and that Smith is innocent.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible: Jew, Gentile, black men, white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each others’ happiness, not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world, there’s room for everyone…
Friday’s Quizzler is….
During a five-night period from Monday through Friday, Eliza Pseudonym had a series of unusual dreams. Every night, she had a dream set in a different unusual place (in one dream, Eliza found herself on trial in a courtroom). In each dream, a different one of her closest friends unexpectedly appeared and said something seemingly nonsensical. Eliza noted that she had eaten something different each night before going to bed; needless to say, she has sworn not to eat any of those foodstuffs so late at night ever again! From the clues below, determine the setting of the dream Eliza had each night, which of her friends made an appearance, what each friend said, and what food item Eliza had eaten each night.
1. Eliza had a dream about her friend Carla precisely two nights before or two nights after her dream in which she was a soldier on a war-torn battlefield.
2. The dream in which a friend said, “I like shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!” occurred either the night before or the night after Eliza ate beef jerky.
3. Eliza ate some delicious chocolate chip cookies on the night her dream featured a friend saying, “I was raised by a cup of coffee!”
4. Barbra made an appearance in a dream precisely three nights before Eliza ate pickles.
5. The dream with Delilah in it occurred some time prior to the dream in which Eliza’s friend said, “There is no nineteenth story, so there is no Miss Zarves.”
6. Eliza dreamed that she was the host of a popular talk show either the night before or the night after her dream where a friend said, “Paleobotanical backwards licorice.”
7. Anna was in Eliza’s dream precisely one night after pretzels were eaten before going to bed.
8. A friend said, “Mr. Jock, TV quiz PhD, bags few lynx,” in the dream where Eliza was a scientist performing studies at a laboratory.
9. Eliza ate an orange precisely two nights after she dreamed about dancing to funky music at a disco.
10. Fiona appeared in Eliza’s dream on Tuesday night.
Answer: Monday: disco, Barbra, “I was raised by a cup of coffee!”, cookies
Tuesday: laboratory, Fiona, “Mr. Jock, TV quiz PhD, bags few lynx”, pretzels
Wednesday: battlefield, Anna, “Paleobotanical backwards licorice”, orange
Thursday: talk show, Delilah, “I like shorts! They’re comfy and easy to wear!”, pickles
Friday: courtroom, Carla, “There is no nineteenth story, so there is no Miss Zarves”, beef jerky
Monday’s Quizzler is…….
In this teaser, I have given you a 9-letter word. Your job is to break up this word into 9 separate letters and place them on the dashes to spell a 7-letter word, a 5-letter word, and a 3-letter word. You can use each letter only once.
_ E _ T _ G _
_ R _ S _
_ P _
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
RECOMMENDED WEBSITE LINKS:
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