WELCOME to TUESDAY MAY 26, 2020
A WOMAN’S DICTIONARY……..
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.😁😎
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!😱
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”😳
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Hey I’m just saying. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a HAPPY TUESDAY
people, stay safe, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up!
Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
Quotes of the Day
“Happy National Donut Day to everyone. On this day,
we remember the billions of donuts that sacrificed
themselves for our mouths. I’m having a memorial
service in my stomach.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“A new study found that the average child is more
likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that
would explain why he’s average.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Here’s something in law enforcement. In L.A. they
are using unmanned drones flying over the city to fight crime.
So far the drones are a success. Only two have been
shot down by motorists.” –Dave Letterman
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
Bumper stickers of the day….
*I love animals, they taste great.
*EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip mine the other planets later.
*”Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
*Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
*The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
*Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
*He who laughs last thinks slowest!
*Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
*A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
*Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ”
“What exactly does this stuff do?”
“If the rocket renders it aerosol, it could take out an entire city of people.”
“Really? And what happens if you dropped one?”
“Happily, it’ll just wipe out you and me.”
Answer: The Rock
A group of disgruntled soldiers have taken over the impenetrable Alcatraz, and are holding a group of tourists hostage. They’re also threatening to launch a nerve gas attack against San Francisco if their demands aren’t met. As the only man to have ever escaped from Alcatraz, Mason is released from prison long enough to help lead a squad in, undetected. Goodspeed is the somewhat nerdy chemist whose job it is to actually disarm the rockets. This exchange occurs while he is trying to do just that.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“You wanna know how to do it? Here’s how. They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of your
guys to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way,
Friday’s Quizzler is….
See if you can figure out these words using the clues listed below. Each word ends with “BOARD”.
Please note that numbers 4 and 5 are two separate words. Have fun!
1) Used with telephones
2) A place to advertise
3) Right-side of ship
4) Found around water
5) Old-time cars had two
6) Computers need them
7) College professor’s headgear
8) Used in the Old West
Answer: 1) Switchboard
4) Diving Board
5) Running Board
Tuesday’s Quizzler is…….
A name of a musical instrument is hidden in each of these phrases or sentences.
1. Which arm on Icarus held this instrument?
2. Man wearing kepi a novice player.
3. Orpheus carefully replaced ancient instrument.
4. Educator Gandhi played Bach.
5. No car in Asia has instrument aboard.
6. Instrument played in Olympic colorful parade.
7. Cancel long concert for stringed instrument.
8. Urban joke played on instrument.
9. Angelic playing with arpeggios.
10. Absolutely beautiful playing of stringed instrument.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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