WELCOME to THURSDAY MAY 28, 2020
How to Lie on The Bathroom Scale……
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner… as well as in the
morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to
see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this
case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these
things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they
are always five pounds off…to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed
in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a
pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale
(air has to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.
Hey I’m just saying. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a GREAT
THURSDAY people, stay safe, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up!
Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
Quotes of the Day
“The state of New York recently approved the sale of 192-proof
alcohol. Or, for an extra dollar, the liquor store
clerk can just punch you in the liver.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A death row inmate from Utah was executed by firing squad.
The guy had a choice and he chose a firing squad.
The other option was watching ‘The Bachelorette’.” – Jay Leno
“Whenever tourists come to New York City, they always have
two questions. First, ‘Where can we get something to eat?’
And second, ‘What is that smell?'” -David Letterman
“They say it now costs $250,000 to raise a child to age 18, and
that doesn’t count college, which is like $50,000 a year. So kids,
if you want to give dad a great Father’s Day gift, run away.” -Jimmy Kimmel
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
His aching back made it impossible for my friend’s husband to get
a decent night’s rest on their lumpy mattress. “Until I feel better,
I’m going to sleep on the couch,” he announced. Ordinarily, a spouse
moving out of the bedroom isn’t a good sign for the marriage. So his
wife couldn’t resist: “Okay, but as soon as we have an argument you’re back in our bed.”😁😎
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ”
“She is already burnt flesh Adso. Bernardo Gui has spoken – she is a witch.” William of Baskerville
“But that’s not true, and you know it.” – Adso of Melk
“I know. I also know that anyone who disputes the verdict of an Inquisitor is guilty of heresy.” – William of Baskerville
Answer: The Name of the Rose
Accompanied by his apprentice, William of Baskerville is asked to lend his considerable talents to solving a series of bizarre murders at a monastery, before the Holy Inquisitor arrives to apply his own brand of investigation. This exchange takes place between William and his monk, after the Inquisitor has charged a young local girl with witchcraft. A smitten Adso is asking his master to intervene on her behalf. Sean Connery, Christian Slater, Ron Perlman and F. Murray Abraham starred under Jean-Jacques Annaud’s direction.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“There’s a price on your head.”
“One hundred gold pieces.”
“Is that all? I shall have to annoy the good Sheriff more. Soon it will be a thousand.”
“For a thousand I would turn you in myself.”
Wednesday’s Quizzler is….
Four men met in a bar, and they soon found that all four of them had been to the Amazon Jungle. After a few more beers, they also realized that they had all been captured at least once, by fierce natives who ruled amazing fortresses. They soon got around to talking about their experiences, and their escapes. The first man said, “Well, I was once caught by natives who ruled a diamond palace. They caught me and took me to their king. He decreed that I was to die in one month. They threw me into a cell. Thank God that they didn’t take my equipment. I had stolen a quartz file from one of the natives. I filed away the bars (it had curtains so they couldn’t see) and escaped mere hours before I was to die.”
The second man said, “I was also captured, but they took me to a simple copper structure. I did not have any such luxury of a month to escape, instead, a single day. Luckily they did not count on my desperation, and I was able to claw my way out of there using only my fingernails and pure adrenaline.”
The third man said, “I was taken to the most amazing fortress of all. It was made out of black topaz. I was also the smartest of all of you,” he bragged, “for I had brought with me a steel file. I was out in a jiff, and I was able to steal some of the topaz as well,” he said as he showed everyone a piece of topaz hanging from a string around his neck.
The fourth man had been looking amused at the first and second men’s stories, but as the third man finished he threw up his head and laughed. The other three men were looking slightly peeved, and asked him what he found so funny. He declared that they were all liars, and he could prove it.
How could he prove it, and when did each of the three men lie?
Answer: The first man couldn’t have filed away the bars, because if it actually was a diamond palace as he said, quartz wouldn’t even leave a scratch.
The second man was closest of all, but still lying. Fingernails are very close to, but not as hard as, copper, so he couldn’t get out, no matter how desperate he was.
The third man had lied most of all. First of all there is no such thing as natural black topaz (it was probably obsidian). Also he made the same mistake as all the others, for a steel file is not as hard as topaz, and would not do anything to the topaz.
In the Mohs scale of mineral hardness:
6.5- Steel File
Thursday’s Quizzler is…….
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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