Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to MONDAY JUNE 1, 2020
 
Ever wonder in your relationship, how ‘the fight’ started?
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”  And that’s how the fight started…
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘do you want to have relations?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’  She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘yes.’ So I said, ‘then I’d like to phone a friend.’ And that’s when the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And that’s when the fight started…
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.  She asked,
‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’  And then the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.  And then the fight started…
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’  ‘Yes,’  She sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend… I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’  ‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’  And then the fight started…
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I rear-ended a car this morning…. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… He was a DWARF!!!  He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’ So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’  And then the fight started….
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Hey I’m just saying. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a GREAT
MONDAY people, stay safe, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up!
Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
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Quotes of the Day 
“When I’m driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL
CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I’m

not afraid of small children.” –Jonathan Katz
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“Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny
into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him
shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.” –Tim Allen
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“I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone
says something like, ‘Hey, when are you going to pay me
that $100 you owe me?’ or ‘Do you have the $50 you borrowed?’
Man, quit being so cheap!” –Jack Handey
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“In heaven all the interesting people are
missing.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
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“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx
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“Adventure is just bad planning.” – Roald Amundsen

 
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Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
There were two good ol’ boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.” Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but money is money, so he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re gonna need all the ice picks you’ve got!” The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?” “Not very well at all,” he said. “We ain’t even got the boat
in the water yet.” 😱😳😁😎
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Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ” 
“In any place where they fight, a man who knows how to drill men can always be a king. We will go to those parts, and say to any king we find, ‘D’you want to vanquish your foes?’ And we will show him how to drill men, for we know that better than anything else. Then we will subvert the king, and seize his throne, and establish a dynasty.”
Answer:   The Man Who Would Be King

Daniel and Peachy are two ex-British soldiers who find themselves in India, when it was part of the British Empire. Rather than go home after they leave the army, they devise this plan to make money, and set themselves up as royalty. This quote comes from near the beginning of the movie, when they are telling Rudyard Kipling their plan.

Based on a short story by Kipling, he was played in the film by Christopher Plummer. Sean Connery and Michael Caine were absolutely brilliant under John Huston’s direction.

 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“I must thank the pipe-smoking Colonel Arbuthnot for a remark which finally resolved all my confusions about this, uh…this extraordinary case…”
 
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Friday’s Quizzler is….​
A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have the initial sounds switched to form new words. For example, “churning bear” is a spoonerism for “burning chair” (note that the pairs do not have to be spelled the same – only sound the same). 

From the definitions below, can you figure out the spoonerism pairs?
1. Thumper’s cellphone…mis-named nerve.
2. Where to buy a mallard…jammed portal.
3. Grizzly relative…two pin-lovers.
4. Sad iguana…Merlin slam-dunking.

5. Wasp accelerates…Half a six-pack.

 
Answer: 1. Bunny phone…funny bone.

2. Duck store…stuck door.
3. Polar bear…bowler pair.
4. Weeping lizard…leaping wizard.

5. Bee throttles…three bottles.  

 
Monday’s Quizzler is…….
There is an island filled with grass and trees and plants. The only inhabitants are 100 lions and 1 sheep.

The lions are special:
1) They are infinitely logical, smart, and completely aware of their surroundings.
2) They can survive by just eating grass (and there is an infinite amount of grass on the island).
3) They prefer of course to eat sheep.
4) Their only food options are grass or sheep.
Now, here’s the kicker:
5) If a lion eats a sheep he TURNS into a sheep (and could then be eaten by other lions).
6) A lion would rather eat grass all his life than be eaten by another lion (after he turned into a sheep).
Assumptions:
1) Assume that one lion is closest to the sheep and will get to it before all others. Assume that there is never an issue with who gets to the sheep first. The issue is whether the first lion will get eaten by other lions afterwards or not.
2) The sheep cannot get away from the lion if the lion decides to eat it.
3) Do not assume anything that hasn’t been stated above.
So now the question:
Will that one sheep get eaten or not and why?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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