Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to TUESDAY JUNE 2, 2020
 
Doctor’s Reports…..
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
6. Healthy appearing decrepit 99 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused an autopsy.
8. The patient has no past history of suicides.
9. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
     a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
20. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
21. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
22. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Hey I’m just saying. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a HAPPY
TUESDAY people, stay safe, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up!
Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
____________________________________________________
Quotes of the Day 
“Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice
two vices at once.” – Tallulah Bankhead
____________________________________________________
“Envy is the ulcer of the soul.” – Socrates
____________________________________________________
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important
to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is
the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
____________________________________________________
After examining the paltry tips left by a church group,
our waitress was not pleased. Looking toward my table, she
grumbled, “Those people come in with the Ten Commandments
and a ten-dollar bill, and they don’t break any of them!”
____________________________________________________
I answer a lot of questions at the information desk at Olympic
National Park, in Washington State. But one visitor
stumped me: “Do you have any trails that just go downhill?”
____________________________________________________
Even though it was warm outside, the heat was on full blast in
my office at the hospital. So I asked our nursing unit
secretary to get someone to fix it. This was a one-man job, so
I could not figure out why two guys showed up — until I
was handed the maintenance request form. It read “Head nurse is hot.” 😳
____________________________________________________ 
 
 
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market.
It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was
owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the
lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip
if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon.
Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler,
“I’ll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!” 😱😁😎
____________________________________________________ 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ” 
“I must thank the pipe-smoking Colonel Arbuthnot for a remark which finally resolved all my confusions about this, uh…this extraordinary case…”

Answer:  Murder on the Orient Express

When a man is found murdered on the Orient Express, the brilliant Hercule Poirot is called upon to solve the case. He soon finds that the victim was a guilty of kidnapping and murdering a young child, and that virtually everyone in the train car has some kind of connection with the case.
Poirot delivers this line near the end of the movie, just as he is about to deliver his findings to the amassed group.

Sidney Lumet directed this interesting period piece that starred Sean Connery, Albert Finney, Lauren Bacall, Martin Balsalm, Anthony Perkins and Ingrid Berman, to name a few. 

 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.”
 
____________________________________________________ 
 
Monday’s Quizzler is….​
There is an island filled with grass and trees and plants. The only inhabitants are 100 lions and 1 sheep.

The lions are special:
1) They are infinitely logical, smart, and completely aware of their surroundings.
2) They can survive by just eating grass (and there is an infinite amount of grass on the island).
3) They prefer of course to eat sheep.
4) Their only food options are grass or sheep.
Now, here’s the kicker:
5) If a lion eats a sheep he TURNS into a sheep (and could then be eaten by other lions).
6) A lion would rather eat grass all his life than be eaten by another lion (after he turned into a sheep).
Assumptions:
1) Assume that one lion is closest to the sheep and will get to it before all others. Assume that there is never an issue with who gets to the sheep first. The issue is whether the first lion will get eaten by other lions afterwards or not.
2) The sheep cannot get away from the lion if the lion decides to eat it.
3) Do not assume anything that hasn’t been stated above.
So now the question:
Will that one sheep get eaten or not and why?

Answer:  The sheep would remain untouched.

In fact, the sheep would remain untouched if there is an even number of lions on the island, and would be eaten immediately if there is an odd number of lions on the island.
Here’s the reasoning:
Consider a scenario with just one lion and one sheep: The lion will eat the sheep. Why? Because after he eats it and turns into a sheep himself, there aren’t any lions on the island to eat him, so he is happy.
Now look at a scenario with 2 lions and 1 sheep. Here the sheep would remain unharmed. Why? Because if any one of them eats it, and turns into a sheep himself, he knows that he awaits certain death because he will then be a sheep and the other lion will be the only lion on the island and nothing will stop him from eating the sheep.
So now we know for a fact 1 lion and 1 sheep – sheep gets eaten. 2 lions and 1 sheep – sheep doesn’t get eaten.
We can now make a conclusion about 3 lions and 1 sheep: the sheep will definitely be eaten, because the lion that eats it will know that by eating he leaves behind 2 lions and 1 sheep (himself). And as we already know 2 lions and 1 sheep is a situation where the sheep survives.
You can use the same logic to go on to 4 lions and 1 sheep, and then all the way to 100 or 1000, but it will always be true that with an odd number of lions the sheep gets eaten and with an even number the sheep doesn’t.
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is…….
The following are colloquialisms/idioms written in their literal form. Try to find all four.

Example: A Panthera Pardus is incapable of altering its texture. (A leopard can’t change its spots)
1. A colorless crystalline carbon existing within an uncouth environment.
2. Descending in the manner of the order of Diptera.
3. A late pop singer has departed from the premises.
4. To be delivered by metallic object that brings forth a great ringing noise.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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