This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.

McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering

its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the

same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?

A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits

in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security.

Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does

this work? What’s the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he’s got your gun too!

According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take “a harder stance” on the death penalty. What’s a harder stance on the death penalty? We’re already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair.

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