WELCOME to MONDAY AUGUST 3, 2020
THINKING OUT LOUD……..
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer. 😁
Hey I’m just saying. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a WONDERFUL
MONDAY people, stay safe, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up!
Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
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Quotes of the Day
MORE STEVEN WRIGHT….
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said “Help Wanted.” There was another sign below it
that said “Self Service.” So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss.
I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over
what I considered to be an odd number.
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Do you think that when they asked George Washington
for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
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I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2″ taller.
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I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got
bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a
touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one.
I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.😁
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street
when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
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Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the
supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed
Nathan Hale’s Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and
save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership
and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,
“Well, sonny, I can’t remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger.” The owner replies, “Well, let’s see… Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?” The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, “I want this color sonny.”
To which Nathan replies, “Ma’am I’m sorry, but we don’t have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?” “No son, I want this color.” “But ma’am, they didn’t make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?” says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies, “Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn!”😱😳😁😎
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Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ”
“Uh, did I happen to spend a twenty-dollar bill in here last night?”
Bartender: “Yeah.”
Souse (relieved): “Thank goodness! I thought I’d lost it.”
Answer: “The Bank Dick” (1940).
This is from “The Bank Dick” (1940). W.C. Fields is at his hen-pecked best in this classic about a man who, after accidentally thwarting a back robbery, accepts a job as a bank guard. He is also constantly trying to escape the watchful eye of his wife while trying to enjoy a peaceful ‘nip’ now and then. It also features one of my favorite actresses, Una Merkel, as his daughter.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from????
Pilot: “What is it, Doctor, what’s going on?” Doctor Rumack: “I’m not sure. I haven’t seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.”
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Friday’s Quizzler is….
Find 17 creatures in this paragraph.
Kneel in the kayak grasping the boat, but don’t wrench the bullion or scowl
at the chart. Behind the taped and sealed planter is a benevolent collier. The foxglove is in the bath.
Answer: Eel, yak, asp, boa, wren, bull, cow, ape, seal, ant, vole, collie, fox, bat, ox, lion, owl (plus char, hart and hind for three bonus points, but these are more difficult. Char is a fish, related to trout and/or salmon and the hart is a kind of deer, while the hind is either a fish or a deer, depending on your usage.)
Monday’s Quizzler is…….
A Swiss woman was stuck at a Nazi checkpoint. There was a very long bridge at the border of Germany and Switzerland, but it took six minutes to cross. Observing the guard at the guardhouse, she found that he came out every three minutes to check that no one was trying to leave or enter. How did she manage to escape?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com., https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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