Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to MONDAY AUGUST 13, 2020
 
CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK…. 
 
1.”Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”

2.”How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”
3.”I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
4.”I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.”
5.”Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What was I thinking?”
6.”As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”
7.”If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”
8.”As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”
9.”Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!”
10.”Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”
11.”Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”
12.”Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.”
13.”Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike!
14.”When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”
15.”I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
16.”We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.”
17.”I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”
18.”Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”
19.”You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

20.”Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday —so we’re having you put to sleep.”  

Hey I’m just saying. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a GREAT
MONDAY people, stay safe, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! 
Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
 
___________________________________________
Quotes of the Day 
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, 
but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

___________________________________________
Human beings are the only creatures that
allow their children to come back home.
___________________________________________
Gray hair is God’s graffiti.
___________________________________________
Fatherhood is pretending the present
you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
___________________________________________
My father confused me. From the ages of
one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
___________________________________________
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of
getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
___________________________________________
When you become senile, you won’t know it.
 
___________________________________________
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….   
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and
their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed.
After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,

“Don’t worry. Someday your prints will come”. 😏😁😎

 
___________________________________________


 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ” 
 “He has a knife.”  “That’s not a knife. THAT’S a knife.”

Answer:  Crocodile Dundee

In this scene Crocodile Dundee (Paul Hogan) is enjoying a visit from Australia to New York City to visit the newspaper reporter who wrote a story about him (Linda Kozlowski). While taking a walk they are confronted by a mugger (Tony Holmes). She whispers the first line, but he pulls out a gigantic Bowie knife and says the second. The mugger beats a hasty retreat. In the 1987 Academy Awards “Crocodile Dundee” was nominated for Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen but lost to “Hannah and Her Sisters.”
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from????
“What knockers!” “Oh, thank you doctor.”
___________________________________________
 
 
Friday’s Quizzler is….​ 
This teaser is based on ‘funny’ alternative definitions a word could have if you broke the word up into its syllables and treated the syllables as words in themselves. I will provide a list of words or names and a list of definitions, it is your job to match them up.

They are meant to be a bit light hearted and may not have perfect pronunciation so work the words in your head a bit. Having the definitions should provide help in this regard. Also note that sometimes the ‘new word’ syllables may not only be using one syllable in the word.
An example would be:
Word: Contemplate “Con template”: A stencil that criminals are made from.
Words:
Primate
Innovation
Awesome
Control
Bernadette
Definitions:
A short, ugly inmate
The act of removing your spouse from in front of the TV
A rousing applause for the motel/hotel
The act of torching a mortgage

A unit of measurement for the number of rowing implements used

Answer:   Primate – ‘Pry mate’: The act of removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Innovation – ‘Inn ovation’: A rousing applause for the motel/hotel
Awesome – ‘Oar sum’ : A unit of measurement for the number of rowing implements used
Control – ‘Con troll’ : A short, ugly inmate

Bernadette – ‘Burn a debt’ : The act of torching a mortgage 

 
 
 
Monday’s Quizzler is…….
“I know we should have called the police,” Eric Wembly admitted as he nursed a bump on the back of his head. “But the kidnapper said he’d kill my brother if we did. And it’s not like we couldn’t afford the ransom.”

John Wembly, the elder son of Jonas Wembly, had been missing since Tuesday. On Wednesday morning, a lone kidnapper telephoned the mansion and made his demands. The younger Wembly son, Eric, was to bring the money in unmarked bills in a duffel bag. He was to take a specific route from the mansion, parking in a downtown lot and carrying the bag through an alley to a drop site in a nearby park.
The normally cheap Jonas Wembly was frantic and willingly agreed to the terms. A midnight pay-off. Half a million dollars. And no police.
“I was halfway through the alley,” Eric testified, “when I heard footsteps. Before I could turn around I was hit on the head. I fell down. But it didn’t quite knock me out. I could see his back by the light of a street lamp. Never got to see his front. He was running away with the duffel bag. A tall guy with white sneakers. He was wearing blue jeans and a dark cardigan. Sorry I can’t be more specific.”
In the case’s one lucky break, a police officer came across Eric shortly after the attack. He called in the crime and a patrol car responded immediately. Two suspicious-looking characters were apprehended in the vicinity, both resembling Eric’s description.
“So, I was running,” Petey Bordon said angrily. He had been found two blocks from the attack and started running as soon as he saw the patrol car. Petey had a string of priors, all misdemeanors. “I’m on parole,” he admitted, “And I was carrying a knife — for my own protection at night. That’s a violation. Can you wonder why I ran away?”
The second suspect was Arnie Acker, a homeless drifter. “I wasn’t even wearing this sweater,” he protested as he unbuttoned his moth-eaten cardigan. “I picked it out of the garbage just before you guys pulled me in.”
“We didn’t find money on either one of ’em,” the chief of police told Jonas Wembly. “And we didn’t find the duffel bag. But I got a pretty good idea what happened. Don’t worry. We’ll get your son back.”

Who kidnapped John Wembly?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com., https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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CHECK THIS BOOK OUT online at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FF669PT/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1531337765&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Banquet+Servers+Hand+Guide#, Amazon.com: The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store. 

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