Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to MONDAY MARCH 15, 2021

Lexophile Puns….
Everyone loves a little bit of wordplay. English is an amazingly versatile language and being able to twist it into new and amazing forms while still being technically correct is fantastic talent to have. Why yes, I am a
lexophile, which is to say, a lover of words. I’m also an autodidact but that’s something else entirely (and something I’ll let you figure out for yourself). Anyways, puns, like pizza, can be either really good or really
bad, there’s no in-between. And no, I’m not trying to be punny. Below you’ll find some of the choicest puns
around, puns for the lexophile in all of us (unlike the one I just made).

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

That’s my story and I’m sticking too it! Have a GREAT WEEKEND people, stay safe, and
whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up!
Peace, I am outta here! Eucman! 😁

q u o t e s o f t h e d a y

“In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught
bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re
trying to get American bumblebees to watch it.” -Conan O-Brien

“A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police
to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story
for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide.” -Seth Meyers

“A Florida man was arrested for throwing potato salad at a nail salon.
During his arrest, he said, ‘I’ve been drinking and taking Xanax. What
do you expect me to do?’ Well, not that, although I do sympathize.
When I was trying to give up carbs, I once threw a bowl of
spaghetti at a karate studio.” -James Corden

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm and asked the farmer,
“What do you use to feed your pigs?” “Well, I give them acorn, corn, vegetable scraps and things like that. Why?”
“Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don’t feed them like you should, they
shouldn’t eat wastes.” Then he fined the farmer. Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered, “Well, I feed them very well. I give them fish, whole grains, hot corn mash and as much fresh fruit and vegetables as I can get my hands on. Why?” “Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it’s unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat.” And he fined the farmer. Finally, another man came in and asked the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: “Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they want.” 😳😁😎

Fridays’ Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “
“It’s funny, you know. It’s a good story, it’s funny, you’re a funny guy.” “What do you mean, you mean the way I talk?”

Answer: Goodfellas!
In this scene several mobsters are socializing at a nightclub when Tommy DeVito (Joe Pesci) tells a story. Henry Hill (Ray Liotta) reacts with the first line. Hair-trigger Tommy suddenly gets serious and says the second line and then adds, “You mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you?” He later acts like it was all an act and says, “I almost had him.” Although the characters in “Goodfellas” were fictionalized, the story was based on actual incidents and people. When the real Henry Hill entered the Witness Protection Program he was relocated to Redmond, WA, and while there he ran an Italian restaurant. In the 1991 Academy Awards, Joe Pesci won the Oscar for Best Actor in a Supporting Role and “Goodfellas” was nominated but did not win in five more categories (including Best Picture). Best Picture that year was won by “Dances with Wolves.”

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from????
“You know, I read about you all in the papers, and I just get scared.” “Now Ms. Parker, don’t you believe what you read in all them newspapers.”

Friday’s Quizzler is….
What do these three objects have in common?
Corn
Weasel
Balloon

Answer: They all pop 😁

Monday’s Quizzler is…….
I am periodically the number 79. Long ago some attempted to make me from 29, but learned it couldn’t be done. If you add me to 80 I appear to be 47 temporarily.What am I?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com., https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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