WELCOME to MONDAY AUGUST 30, 2021
• A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!" • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. • Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." • A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." • These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, put they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. • Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (absolutely brilliant!) • And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a GREAT MONDAY people, stay safe, and whatever you do,
don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman! 😁
q u o t e s o f t h e d a y
“A new study came out that reveals some dangerous side effects from childbirth.
The dangerous side effects women suffer include pelvic injuries,
muscle tears, and children.” -Conan O’Brien
“A new poll found that women in America are angrier about current events than
men. And if you want to make them even angrier, just tell them they seem angry.” -Jimmy Fallon
“The jackpot is up to an enormous sum. Playing the Powerball is a great way to
spend quality time with strangers outside gas stations.” -Jimmy Kimmel
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge
that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight’s dinner. I told him I didn’t know how to make soup.
He handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.
A couple hours later I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took
a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.
Instead he said, “This tastes good… are you sure you followed the recipe?” 😳😁😎
Fridays’ Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “
“There’s a big snake in the plane, Jock!”
“Oh, that’s just my pet snake Reggie.”
Answer: Raiders of the Lost Ark!
In the events leading up to this scene Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) has successfully retrieved an ancient idol from a Peruvian temple in South America, only to be forced to surrender it to rival archeologist Dr. Rene Belloq (Paul Freeman). He manages to escape but the native warriors working for Belloq run after him, firing blow darts. He makes to a nearby river where an open cockpit plane on pontoons waits for him and barely makes it aboard with the natives in hot pursuit. In this scene Indy discovers a snake in his compartment and yells line one to the pilot Jock (Fred Sorenson). Jock yells back line two. In the 1982 Academy Awards, “Raiders of the Lost Ark” won four Oscars and was nominated for four others, including Best Picture. Best Picture that year was won by “Chariots of Fire.” The opening sequence with all the booby traps in the Peruvian temple is partly based on a Donald Duck/Scrooge McDuck adventure called “The Prize of Pizarro” (“Uncle $crooge” no. 26, June-August 1959). Both Director Steven Spielberg and co-writer George Lucas were often inspired by comic book stories.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“Don’t steal anything! If I come back here and anything’s missing, I’m going straight to the police. I mean it!”
“Go to school, Joel. Learn something.”
Friday’s Quizzler is….
What is a living creature that has four legs, eats cat food, and sees equally well on both ends of its body?
Answer: A blind cat
Monday’s Quizzler is…….
When telling a story
About flounder or dory,
I often end up far apart.
But when bowing your head
Or mourning your dead,
I’m together and close to your heart.
You may lend me or hold me
Or show me or fold me,
And all this is merely a start.
What am I?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAY’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com., https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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