WELCOME to FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 3, 2021
Judas Asparagus and Other Fractured Bible Tales….
Reportedly written by a sixth-grader…in any event, it is an amusing piece and hopefully will bring a smile to your face.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden …
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son,Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testa-ment. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those other bad guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a GREAT LABOR DAY WEEKEND people,
stay safe, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman! 😁
q u o t e s o f t h e d a y
“Police are looking for a woman who stole $3,000 worth of cat-grooming supplies at
an airport baggage carousel. Police describe the suspect as ‘single.'” -Seth Meyers
“For a lot of children, the party known as summer is over. Don’t worry, kids. School will
end eventually and then you’ll get to go to a different kind of school called work, and
it only ends when you get old and die.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“In Saudi Arabia, a 14-year-old boy was detained for dancing to the Macarena. You know,
I don’t say this often but I’m going to side with the Saudi government on this one.” -Conan O’Brien
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines’ conveyor belts
needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers
with noise-induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with
four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line
peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, “Must be one heck of a baby!” 😳
Thursdays’ Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “
“I think I know what “If you build it, he will come” means.”
“Ooh… why do I not think this is such a good thing?”
Answer: Field of Dreams!
In the events leading up to this scene, Iowa farmer Ray Kinsella (Kevin Costner) hears a voice in his cornfield telling him, “If you build it, he will come.” At first he is puzzled by what this means, but in this scene he thinks he realizes the answer and says the first line to his wife Annie (Amy Madigan). She replies with line two. SPOILER ALERT Ray at first interprets this message as an instruction to build a baseball field on his farm so the ghosts of “Shoeless” Joe Jackson and the seven other Chicago White Sox players banned from the game for throwing the 1919 World Series (known as the Chicago Black Sox) will appear. He later realizes the “he” in the message refers to his dead father who he never knew very well. In the 1990 Academy Awards, “Field of Dreams” was nominated in three categories, including Best Picture (but lost to “Driving Miss Daisy”). In the scene shot in Boston’s Fenway Park, the thousands of extras in the stands include then unknowns Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They are unaccredited in the cast listing.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“That’s a lie! Harry Bailey went to war. He got the Congressional Medal of Honor. He saved the lives of every man on that transport.”
“Every man on that transport died. Harry wasn’t there to save them, because you weren’t there to save Harry.”
Thursday’s Quizzler is….
Ace, Allie, Carl, Carla, Dora, Draco, Emma, Eric, Jacob, June, Kaleb, Luke, Qin, & Tina are divided equally between a red and a blue team. Can you figure out who is on what team?
Everyone with E at the end of their names are on the same team.
Everyone with a letter that is only in their name is on the same team.
Everyone with the most found letter in their names are split evenly between teams.
Jacob & Emma are on the same team.
Carl and Eric are on the red team.
Except for one pair, everyone that has the same first letter are on the same team.
Answer: Red Team:
Friday’s Quizzler is…….
You made it through the last door, but will you be that lucky again?
Someone is making this harder and harder. To prove this, there are 7 doors. Each door has its own clue and they’re all true. The colours of the doors are:
Red, Green, Blue, Yellow, Purple, Orange, and Brown.
Red door’s clue: This door is in the middle. It’s three spots away from the door to freedom.
Green door’s clue: This door is three spaces from the colour made by mixing red and blue. It’s farther left than the red door.
Blue door’s clue: This door is directly right of the purple door.
Yellow door’s clue: This door is farther right than the red door but left of the purple door.
Purple door’s clue: This door is four spots away from the brown door.
Brown door’s clue: This door is next to the orange door.
Orange door: This door is not the door to freedom.
Which colour door is the door to freedom?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAY’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com., https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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