WELCOME to WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 15, 2021
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as [heck] everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!" Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!" Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really fighting it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at XX Airways." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"😳
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a GREAT THURSDAY people,
stay safe, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman! 😁
q u o t e s o f t h e d a y
“Labor Day, in case you don’t know history, was established all the way back in 1894 as a
way to give Americans an extra day to dread going back to work after the weekend.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Scientists have discovered a species of fish that surrounds itself with uglier fish in order to
look more attractive. However, scientists could not identify which sorority it belongs to.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Nintendo recently announced that its character Mario is no longer a plumber. Apparently,
he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms.” -Seth Meyers
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
I had just stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work and
I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29.
The drive-through cashier said “that’ll be $4.83, please drive forward.”
“$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That’s 54 cents tax! That can’t be right,” my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on
the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 of 8 cents would be 35 cents max.
I’d heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves.
So, I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me.
Let’s see … 483/429 … over 12 percent tax! When I got to the window, I handed her a 5 and said, “$4.83 for
a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can’t be right. Can I talk to the manager?” She gave me my change and called the manager.
The manager comes over and I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just
paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that’s over 12 percent sales tax.
She said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size. She admitted it was
supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.
“HA!” I thought to myself. “Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that
I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me.”
I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food. 😳
Wednesdays’ Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “
“Kids are scared of the dark.”
“You’re afraid of the dark, too, Marv.”
Answer: Home Alone!
In the events leading up to this scene, the large family of Kevin McAllister (Macaulay Culkin) accidentally leaves him behind when it rushes to the airport to go to France for their Christmas vacation (just prior to the family leaving, Kevin had been sent to the attic for misbehaving). Kevin prepares to spend Christmas alone, but becomes aware of two house burglars (played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern) casing his neighborhood. In this scene, the burglars plan to burglarize Kevin’s house after dark, after they become aware he is home alone. Marv (Daniel Stern) is pleased by this plan and says line one. His partner Harry (Joe Pesci) responds with line two. In the 1991 Academy Awards “Home Alone” was nominated for two Oscars but didn’t win either. The posters and DVD cases for this movie (showing a wide-eyed Culkin with both hands on his face) is often compared to the famous painting “The Scream” by Edvard Munch.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“Pardon me, sir, but I lost my ID in… in a flood and I’d like to get some Old Harper, hard stuff. Would you mind buying a bottle for me?”
“Why certainly. I lost my wife, too – her name wasn’t Idy, though, and it wasn’t in a flood – but I know what ya… “
Wednesday’s Quizzler is….
Based on the clue in parentheses, find a four-letter word that can be inserted backwards into the blank to complete a longer word.
Example: di____ve (a defeat)
Answer: dissolve (“A defeat” gives you LOSS, which is placed backwards in the blank: di_SSOL_ve.)
- ey____es (stood up)
- li____er (open meshed fabrics)
- r____ant (body part)
- for____b (distance)
Answer: 1. eyesores (ROSE – ey_ESOR_es)
- listener (NETS – li_STEN_er)
- resonant (NOSE – r_ESON_ant)
- forelimb (MILE – for_ELIM_b)
Thursday’s Quizzler is…….
Mr. Ixolite was in Mexico on his holidays and was looking to try the hottest chili he could find.
He went into a restaurant and ordered a hot one. After the fire in his mouth had been put out, and he sat there gasping for breath, the waiter came up to him and said,
“Excuse me, Senor Ixolite, we are very sorry, but we accidentally gave you the wrong chili. We gave you the mild one instead of this very hot one. Would you like it?”
MrIxolite paled, but being unable to speak, grabbed a napkin and wrote out the following rebus:
Hose B) Way
Hose C) Way
What was Mr. Ixolite trying to say?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAY’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com., https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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