WELCOME to THURSDAY MARCH 3, 2022
Steven Wright Jokes….
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
I have a map of the world at home. Full size, I spent last summer folding it.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the mornings?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when
you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
My mechanic told me, ‘I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a GREAT THURSDAY people,
stay safe, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman! 😁
q u o t e s o f t h e d a y
“Department store Neiman Marcus is selling a Dolce & Gabbana toaster
for $600. Or, for the same results, just buy a regular toaster
and put $600 in it.” -Seth Meyers
“Starbucks has unveiled a new rewards system. Previously, you needed
only 12 rewards ‘Stars’ to get a free drink; you now need 125. This has
made Starbucks customers very angry. I mean, this is all so frustrating.
If only there was some way for people to make their own coffee,
at home.” -James Corden
“Hasbro announced they are making a new version of Monopoly to appeal
to a younger generation. That means it won’t come with any cash, so you’ll
have to borrow some from your parents’ Monopoly set.” -Jimmy Fallon
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination,
the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles
out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down
water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.
“Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.” 😳
Wednesdays’ Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “
“Who are you with again?”
“I’m with the United States Congress. Perhaps you’ve heard of them.”
Answer: Quiz Show!
In this scene government investigator Dick Goodwin (Rob Morrow) is sitting in the waiting room of NBC Television Network president Robert Kintner (Allan Rich). He is investigating possible fraud in game shows on American television and has arrived at Kintner’s office without an appointment. After sitting there for several hours, he says to Kintner’s secretary, “Excuse me. Do you think he might see me before the peacock molts?” She asks line one and he replies sarcastically with line two.
In the 1995 Academy Awards, “Quiz Show” was nominated for four awards, including Best Picture, but didn’t win any. Best Picture that year went to “Forrest Gump.” Although well-known director Martin Scorsese has a minor acting part in this movie, “Quiz Show” was directed by Robert Redford. Scorsese played Martin Rittenhome, the president of Pharmaceuticals Incorporated, manufacturer of Geritol tonic, sponsor of the NBC Television quiz show “Twenty One.” This movie is based on a true story that occurred in the late 1950s. This incident had a chilling effect on television game shows for many years.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“Mister, I love the way you wear that hat.”
“You don’t know nothin’.”
Wednesday’s Quizzler is….
Fill in the blanks with four words, such that the first and the fourth are the same, while the second and the third are homonyms.
A jailer _ , and a jeweler _.
Answer: A jailer watches cells, and a jeweler sells watches.
Thursday’s Quizzler is…….
In this teaser, I will give you a list of clues and the answer, with all the letters, but the word year, missing.
Your job is to figure out what to add to the word year to get the answer to the clue.
Example: Reading Glasses = Y*EAR
- Word for word, without reading = *Y *EAR*
- New York Birthplace of F.D.R. = YE AR
- Caveat Emptor = *YE **AR
- Person engaged in reverie = YEA**R
- Student at Harvard or Yale, e.g. = Y EAR
- Seafood restaurant = YE *AR
- Old sage who doesn’t shave = **YEAR*
- Extra-powerful, souped up = YEAR
- Absolutely transparent = Y** **EAR
- Place to drop off clothes = **Y *EA*R
- Jellystone resident = Y*** *EAR
- Headache remedy since 1899 = YE* AR*
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! 😎 Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com., https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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