Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday, September 25, 2017.         
Twenty Things I Learned From Action Movies……
1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a idiot!
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however,
I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last
bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
20. If everyone in a team dies, it’s the last man’s job to win the fight against his enemy.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES… 
“Last night, Toys R Us officially filed for bankruptcy after falling $5 billion in debt.
I guess they tried to pay it off, but the bank said, ‘This is Monopoly money.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“Apple is exploring ways to turn Siri into people’s personal therapist. In fact, this morning when I asked Siri for today’s weather she said, ‘Stop trying to replace your father.'” -Conan O’Brien
“An 83-year-old grandfather in California recently pushed a suspected burglar off his roof. Neighbors are calling it shocking while the roofer is calling it the last time he works on that house.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. 
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one,
then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, don’t you like your beer cold? Why don’t you start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Austria and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other when they moved away that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I hope nothing has happened to one of your brothers.”
The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.” 😐
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
 ‘Anne, I’m happy, just you and me…’
ANSWER: Free Willy! This is the phrase that makes Jesse throw the baseball through the window.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘She left a message with my flatmate, whom I’ll strangle to death later.’
Friday’s Quizzler is……….  
What is represented below?
OdOoOmO
ANSWER:  Dominoes

Monday’s Quizzler is……….
The following four (4) clues are the definitions of words that have been jumbled below and turned into anagrams.
Your job is to correctly unravel the anagrams and then place them next to their proper definition. Good luck!
1. The formal activities conducted on some important public or state occasion.
2. Extremely funny.
3. Exhilarated or stupefied by, or as if by alcohol.
4. Causing serious thoughts, or a grave mood.
Jumbled Anagrams:
Hi! Our sail
One mercy
Melons
Bare in diet
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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