WELCOME to Friday, October 27, 2017.
Steven Wright one liners……..
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don’t get it…
I have a microwave fireplace in my house . . . The other night I laid down
in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, . . .
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it
up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone
wouldn’t stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though.
I didn’t have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone–it had no number 5 on it.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said, “Steven, why haven’t you called me?” I said, “I can’t call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.” He said, “How long have you had it?” I said, “I don’t know . . . My calendar has no sevens on it.”
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went “Aaaaahhhh…”
Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” And I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”
I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were!
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall…
Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I’m not home and somebody
calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
I don’t like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can’t hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [[]][][[[[. I go down to the pet store — “Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday.”
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased
all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.”
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
1. Life is about making an impact, not making an income. –Kevin Kruse
2. Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve. –Napoleon Hill
3. Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value. –Albert Einstein
4. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, And that
has made all the difference. –Robert Frost
5. I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took any excuse. –Florence Nightingale
6. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. –Wayne Gretzky
7. I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. –Michael Jordan
8. The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. –Amelia Earhart
9. Every strike brings me closer to the next home run. –Babe Ruth
10. Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement. –W. Clement Stone
11. Life isn’t about getting and having, it’s about giving and being. –Kevin Kruse😎
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour,
the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”
“Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.
“I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”😐
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘If you build it, he will come.’
ANSWER: Field of Dreams! This saying was talking about building a baseball field so his Dad would come.
Fridays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘As God as my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.’
TODAY’S MOVIE DIVA AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS!🙏🙏🙏🙇
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Fill in the words that are empty by using words that will connect with the previous one.
EXAMPLE: Towel, Rack. (You have the words Towel and Rack, but when put together it becomes “Towel rack”.)
Try to connect petting to guard.
A_ _ _ _ _
C_ _ _ _ _ _ _
ANSWER: Petting Zoo Animal Crossing Guard
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
The U.S. Presidents made some horrible political decisions. They decided to hide from the mob coming after them by hiding in these five sentences. You are hired as a private sleuth to find each of them.
Can you find their last names in these five sentences?
1. Ice pops taste the best on hot afternoons.
2. The weird dictator said that he would build magenta dams.
3. The man told his mother that he wouldn’t be home for dinner.
4. I have to fill more of the holes our dog dug in the yard.
5. I was going to take the bus home, but I missed it.
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙇
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.GodLovesPraise.com, http://www.stlzoo.org